{"id":13133,"date":"2007-10-06T10:00:51","date_gmt":"2007-10-06T14:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com\/archives\/13133.html"},"modified":"2007-10-06T10:00:51","modified_gmt":"2007-10-06T14:00:51","slug":"party-like-its-2008","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/party-like-its-2008\/","title":{"rendered":"Party like it’s 2008!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Guest Post by Morbo<\/a><\/p>\n

James Dobson and his merry band of theocrats are furious at the idea that the Republicans might nominate a known abortion advocate, gay symp and cross-dresser like Rudy Giuliani. This week, they let it be known that if that happens, they will jump ship to a third party.<\/p>\n

Writing about a recent meeting of the mullahs in Salt Lake City, Dobson opined<\/a> in a New York Times piece, “After two hours of deliberation, we voted on a resolution that can be summarized as follows: If neither of the two major political parties nominates an individual who pledges himself or herself to the sanctity of human life, we will join others in voting for a minor-party candidate. Those agreeing with the proposition were invited to stand. The result was almost unanimous.”<\/p>\n

There’s one problem: These guys don’t have a candidate. I say it’s time to get cracking. The election is only 13 months off. If Dobson & Co. want ballot status in all 50 states, they need to get started now.<\/p>\n

I’ve decided to help out by compiling a list of possible candidates and giving some thoughts on their strengths and weaknesses. No need to thank me, Jim. Just grab one of these contenders, and you’re off to the races. Please. I beg you.
\n
\nAlan Keyes<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Has run for office so many times that he’s an old hand on the stump. Gives fiery speeches.
\nNegatives:<\/b> Is hopelessly insane.<\/p>\n

James Dobson<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> The one candidate guaranteed to be pure enough to meet the exacting standards of James Dobson
\nNegatives:<\/b> Bad comb-over. Rather excitable. Prone to take direction from mercurial, invisible deity with thirst for blood.<\/p>\n

Newt Gingrich<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Very pro-family. He’s had three of them.
\nNegatives:<\/b> Belongs to some strange religion that worships a false god named “Mammon.”<\/p>\n

Chuck Norris<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Celebrity appeal. Kick-ass attitude. Loves Jesus.
\nNegatives:<\/b> Semi-literate. Likely to show up at state dinner in something sleeveless. Possible tattoos.<\/p>\n

Dick Cheney<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Has amazing ability to have political foes “taken care of.”
\nNegatives:<\/b> Not so handy with a shotgun. Might possibly be Satan.<\/p>\n

Larry Craig<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Will soon need another job. Proven pro-family voting record.
\nNegatives:<\/b> Requires frequent bathroom breaks.<\/p>\n

Roy Moore<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Travels with a two-ton Ten Commandments monument, so you know he’s serious.
\nNegatives:<\/b> Writes bad poetry. Hasn’t had a job since 2003.<\/p>\n

Jesus Christ<\/b>
\nPositives:<\/b> Incredible name recognition. Huge approval ratings. Good in debates.
\nNegatives:<\/b> Not a U.S. citizen. Suspected liberal tendencies.<\/p>\n

I open the floor to additional nominations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Guest Post by Morbo James Dobson and his merry band of theocrats are furious at the idea that the Republicans might nominate a known abortion advocate, gay symp and cross-dresser like Rudy Giuliani. This week, they let it be known that if that happens, they will jump ship to a third party. Writing about a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[617],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13133","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13133","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13133"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13133\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13133"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13133"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevebenen.com\/thecarpetbaggerreport\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13133"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}