The South Florida Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet

February 24, 2007

Long-time readers know that I take a certain amount of pleasure in mocking South Florida, where I was born and raised. There’s just something uniquely ridiculous about Miami and its surrounding communities that makes the area prone to outlandish, not to mention absurd, circumstances.

It’s been particularly over the top lately,

This week, Miami’s own Dave Barry offered his own explanation for South Florida’s “freak-show.”

O.J. Simpson, for example. Why is he here? Did anybody in South Florida ever say, “Hey O.J.! Why don’t you pack up your golf clubs, your one glove and your remaining cutlery, and come be part of our community!”? Of course not! Nobody WANTED him here. He was DRAWN here, by the Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet.

Or consider the 2000 presidential election…. Another example is the Miracle Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich…. Please do not try to tell me that this could have happened in an area that was not being bombarded with powerful weirdness rays.

There are many other South Florida phenomena that can only be explained by the Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet, including the Versace slaying, the Elian Gonzalez fiasco, Tim Hardaway and Donald Trump. The current example, it goes without saying, is the Anna Nicole Smith Corpse Battle and Freak-a-Palooza, now playing in Fort Lauderdale. Of COURSE it had to happen here. And of COURSE, instead of a thoughtful, dignified, decorous, mentally stable judge, we got an American Idol contestant — sometimes sobbing like Dorothy when she had to say goodbye to the Scarecrow; sometimes firing off one-liners that he apparently thought were hilarious. Ha ha! Stop it, Judge, you Krazy Kourtroom Karacter!

I feel compelled to note that Barry missed a few.

South Florida is officially the most corrupt community in the country. And where did the original anthrax letters go? South Florida. Where did the 9/11 terrorists take flying lessons? South Florida. Where did Terri Schiavo become a cause for conservatives? South Florida. Where did Jack Abramoff strike many of his crooked deals? South Florida. What area was found to have the worst drivers in the United States? South Florida. Even four of the five Watergate burglars were Miami residents.

Mike Wilson, the Floridian editor of the St. Petersburg Times, wrote an item (which is no longer available online) suggesting that it’s more of a genetic problem.

Friends in other states expect me to defend Florida in times like these. But like a parent making excuses for an aberrant teenager, justifying it is the best I can do. Look, this isn’t Boston, founded on intellect and the principles of religious freedom. This is Florida, founded by hucksters and luckless dreamers. Eccentricity is in its DNA.

Isn’t “eccentric” a polite euphemism for “crazy”?

The Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet is as good an explanation as any.

Carl Hiaasen explained the phenomenon quite well on 60 minutes. The US is actually tilted so that all the scum slides down to Florida. Once there, the scum runs for elected office.

  • CB, I had no idea you’re a fellow former South Floridian! It is, indeed, a crazy place. When I brought my Wisconsinite boyfriend down there to meet my family, he couldn’t believe how “unreal” and “plastic” it is. And, despite the great architecture in South Beach and the best-in-the-world fresh-squeezed orange juice, I couldn’t agree more!

    That being said, I’ll take South Florida over northern Florida any day. South Florida’s brand of Republicanism is more of the selfish, fiscal brand, in contrast to northern FL’s zealous variety. (The Republican party can be summed up by the term “Zealfish”– its members are either zealous, selfish, or, in the worst cases, both!) Culturally speaking, there’s a huge element of South Florida that is “The Sixth Borough”– transplanted New Yorkers and New Jerseyites (of all ages, not just the old people– who do you think all the bad drivers are?) The Sixth Borough South Florida is the South Florida I come from. Yeah, it’s not my favorite place, and an artistic-minded girl like me has no reason to ever live there again . . . but, what the hell, it’s home!

  • Isn’t “eccentric” a polite euphemism for “crazy”? — CB

    You’re “eccentric” if you come from nobility and, possibly, if you’re very, very rich. Everyone else is “crazy” (or loony, or plain nuts).

  • As a current resident of South Florida (Ft. Lauderdale area, “where the boys are”), I’m not sure whether to laugh or be outraged. Yes, CB and Dave Barry are quite right in their “recriminations”, so to speak. but don’t lump us all into one category. My little island city (surrounded by Ft. Lauderdal, and called Wilton Manors) is, perhaps, the most liberal and open minded “city” in the country–latest census puts us at approx. 40% GLBT, and the most democratic voting precinct in the state, if not the country.

    TIC 😉

  • CB–I was born and raised in Miami too. Got out as soon as I could and am now a long-standing Manhattanite. Palmetto High. My family still lives in Miami and it still gives me the heebeejeebees every time I visit.

  • Frak –

    You have my sympathies. You might want to try Grundy Center, IA when you get tired of Manhattan. When the moon is just right and the sky clear, you can almost convince yourself those cornstalks are palm trees, and the republican soybean farmer next door is not wishing you’d try to break in to his home so he could shoot you. I do intend to leave this paradise soon, however – for St. Pete Beach, as a matter of fact. Just as soon as the power comes back on and I pick up all the tree branches in my yard from yesterday’s ice storm.

  • I have lived in South Florida for most of my life, (15 or so years) and it was not until I started attending school in Massachusetts that I realized just how different the climate is down there. It obviously has nothing to do with the liberal:conservative ratio, or any traditional measure because South Florida is overwhelmingly liberal and yet still quite strange. I can’t even quite put my finger on what it is…

    Years ago, I formulated a rule in my AP European History class, that when we talked about current events every major event would somehow tie back to Florida. This has proven right time and again. I suggest a seven degrees of separation type game to be established to conclusively show how south Florida is interconnected in the nuances and the affairs of matters from all around the globe.

  • I would also like to point out that South Florida is the part-time (at least) home of many snowbirds from The Great White North (aka Canada).

    So you got yer Wierdness Magnet attracting some eccentric hosers as well…

  • As a midwesterner who went to the good ole UofM I can attest to the oddity of 305 land. I have spent plenty of time in other cities state-side and otherwise, but never has a city had such a distinct aura. Miami quickly claimed the title of “The Magic City” among my friends (we later found out that moniker had already been bestowed on city many decades ago). It was also often remarked that many in the general population were better suited as cartoon characters than as members of a productive society. We practically tried to get arrested six or seven nights a week, all to no avail. It is one of the very few places in America where damn near anything goes. Late nights at Crandon or Bill Baggs, stumbling through the Grove and ending up with a Slice N’ Ice calzone, and enjoying the late afternoon sunshine at Fairchild will always be treasured memories. So keep on trucking Miami. America will always need a place for us part-time miscreants to feel at home.

    p.s. We often speculated about the cause of the weirdness. The lack of seasons and weirdos sinking to the bottom of the nation had both been postulated, but this GUWM is an intriguing idea.
    And yeah,,, Go Canes

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