Worst. Excuse. Ever.

About a month ago, Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R), a co-chairman of John McCain’s presidential campaign in the Sunshine State, ran into a little trouble with the law. He was arrested in a public park after allegedly offering to pay to perform oral sex on an undercover police officer. Not a good career move.

Josh Marshall notes today, however, that ol’ state Rep. Allen can explain everything.

[I]t turns out that Allen revealed the true reason for the alleged park-john-offer in a tape recorded statement he made just after his arrest.

“This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park,” said Allen, according to this article in the Orlando Sentinel. Allen went on to say he was afraid of becoming a “statistic.”

OK, let me get this straight. Allen was in a public park, late at night. For some reason, he’s afraid of black people. As a result of this irrational fear, he wanders into a bathroom, where he offers another man $20 to perform oral sex.

In other words, Allen thought he might be attacked by some “stocky” black men, and this is his first instinct? Josh added, “I guess this raises the question of whether if you thought you were about to get mugged by a group of stocky black guys, your first plan of escape would be to try to give one of them a blowjob.”

The police report suggests Allen’s fear of black people was not his principal motivation.

In a written statement released Thursday, Titusville Officer Danny Kavanaugh recalled entering the restroom twice and said he was drying his hands in a stall when Allen peered over the stall door.

After peering over the stall a second time, Allen pushed open the door and joined Kavanaugh inside, the officer wrote. Allen muttered ” ‘hi,’ ” and then said, ” ‘this is kind of a public place, isn’t it,’ ” the report said.

The officer said he asked Allen about going somewhere else and that the legislator suggested going “across the bridge, it’s quieter over there.”

“Well look, man, I’m trying to make some money; you think you can hook me up with 20 bucks?” Kavanaugh asked Allen.

The officer said Allen responded, “Sure, I can do that, but this place is too public.”

Then Kavanaugh said he told Allen, “I wanna know what I gotta do for 20 bucks before we leave.’ ” He said Allen replied: “I don’t know what you’re into.”

According to Kavanaugh’s statement, the officer said, “do you want just [oral sex]?” and Allen replied, “I was thinking you would want one.”

The officer said he then asked Allen, “but you’ll still give me the 20 bucks for that . . . and that the legislator said, “yeah, I wouldn’t argue with that.”

As Allen turned and motioned for the officer to follow him to his car, Kavanaugh identified himself as a police officer by raising his shirt and exposing his badge.

Oddly enough, consider the big picture. Mitt Romney’s top aide is under investigation for impersonating a police officer and creating bogus law-enforcement badges. Rudy Giuliani has teamed up with some colorful characters, including an alleged cocaine dealer, an accused child molester, and Bernie Kerik.

All things being equal, McCain got off easy.

Considering all of the excuses Republicans have had to make you’d think that they’d be better at it.

  • Sounds like a pathetic excuse straight out of Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator.

    Which raises the specter: how soon before some ReThug hypocrite like Allen makes a guest appearance on that show?

  • “As a result of this irrational fear, he wanders into a bathroom, where he offers another man $20 to perform oral sex.”

    I’m curious how this works. Does one blowjob give you blanket immunity from assault for the rest of the evening, or does the protection last only as long as the blowjob, thereby necessitating oral sex till dawn?

  • Okay, okay, let me clarify the excuse:

    “I was being chased by a different stocky guy, so I sought shelter in the men’s room. I thought I could lock myself into a stall so the guy who was chasing me couldn’t get me because he was too stocky to wiggle under the door.

    “You can imagine my surprise when I found another stocky guy behind the stall door. Now I figured I was really dead unless I offered the second something that would make him less violent. Of course, it was only a ploy.

    “When I said we should find someplace else because where we were was too public, I was actually just trying to get away from him.

    “Why is everybody making such a big deal of a guy trying to protect himself?”

    Crankily yours,
    The New York Crank

  • When your excuse sounds like a bad Daily Show skit or Onion article, you have a serious problem. This is a bizarre mix of racism, stupidity, and probably a few other factors I’m missing.

    Really, I’m speechless.

  • Can’t. Stop. Laughing – that line of Josh’s is a classic.

    Now can we dispense with the last shred of the illusion that the Republican Party is the party of family values?

  • Come on, everybody. Give the guy a break. Given the facts of the case, I think his excuse is pretty good. Put yourself in his shoes. (It’s disgusting, I know, but do it anyway.) Can you think of a better story?

    I can’t either. The guy is toast. Too bad.

  • I see Mr. Allen’s mouth continues to get him into trouble. Where is this man’s lawyer?

    Unless…It is a little known fact that all ReThugs have this Pavlovian response when they see a “stocky black guy.”

    If so, we could have a lot of fun at Republican rallies, debates, conventions etc. Time to experiment. Does it require an actual “SBG” or will photos of African-American line backers do the trick?

  • Damn– “fear” was going to be my excuse, in case anyone I ever date is mad at me for any particular person I had dated. Now it’s going to sound hackneyed if I ever use it. Fucking Republicans.

  • lol, lol, lol. What a ridiculous story Allen is telling. Cops must be laughing their asses off. I mean…really. And what was this guy doing for McCain’s campaign exactly? I hope it wasn’t public relations.

  • All things being equal, McCain got off easy.

    Must … resist … tasteless … joke …

    Oh, and I think we should all note that it’s not gay sex we’re mocking or deriding. It’s some GOPer’s pathetic excuse about his offer to pay to give someone else a BJ (although I always thought it was supposed to be the other way around).

    Just so the trolls don’t try to spin the comments.

  • I hope it wasn’t public relations.

    Will I make the obvious joke?

    No. I will not.

    You’re welcome.

  • Is this why McCain’s campaign coffers are almost empty? Allen, McCain’s pubic relations director was seeking to convert the black voters to Republicretin supporters one stocky black guy at a time. Maybe Allen was seeking an “honorable mention” by mAnn “adams apple” Coulter? How many millions did McCain piss away? That’s a whole lot of public bathrooms in parks at $20 a pop. At least if Allen is convicted, he’ll be “comfortable” and popular in prison walking around with his finger hooked in some stocky black convict’s belt loop. Ha Ha. CB, thanks for the laugh. Considering the feeling of disgust I have for the Dem leadership for folding on FISA, I needed a good laugh.

  • I sure hope I run into somebody like this next time I’m out with a bunch of my friends. I’m not black, but that shouldn’t matter – it seems to be perceived threat that scares him. The great part is that he’ll offer to PAY me. How’d he explain that part, and why wouldn’t he have just offered the money first? Nope, straight to the blowjob.

  • I hate to generalize…but….The more I hear, the more I think that Republican male politicians all have deeply disturbed psyches. Probably all stemming from early childhood mistreatments by abusive parents and/or indoctrinations that sex is taboo/dirty/a sin and to stay away from women…..

    This in turn seems to create an irrisistable urge for them to make laws about most aspects of sexuality as they cannot control their own urges and think everyone else must be just as depraved as they are. Others just seem to replace sex with greed and corruption. Ah, the moral majority of it all.

  • Allen went on to say he was afraid of becoming a “statistic.”

    Well, he missed that one:

    Men in America with no pride (FY 2007):

    3,867,906

    + 1 (Rep. Bob Allen (R).

    From FBI’s annual Wussification statistics, which they keep for their own purposes. You can google for it.

    I wrote:

    “fear” was going to be my excuse

    Oh, well, necessity is the mother of invention. I’m sure I’ll think of something else.

  • “I guess this raises the question of whether if you thought you were about to get mugged by a group of stocky black guys, your first plan of escape would be to try to give one of them a blowjob.”

    Why not? In most self-defense courses, they teach you to go for the groin!

  • calvin recalls a raunchy joke from years ago which has bascially turned into Allen’s defense. It involved one average sized white guy and one XXL Black guy in an elevator. the gentle reader is left his/her own devices to come up with the rest of the story. The end result of which is that one of the elevator occupants goes a bit over-board. Sounds just like Mr. Allen’s rationalization.

    What we have here is, essentially, a joke being used for criminal defense. Art imitating life?

  • And a yet little more this one of many Republican hypocrites:

    Allen is married and has a child….
    But will he be married tomorrow?

    Allen has been endorsed by the Florida Right to Life Committee…
    I guess keeping it in the public bathroom instead of one’s own bedroom is the surest way to avoid abortion.

    Authoritarianism (The current Republican Party) attracts miscreants like flies.

  • If spotting a stocky black man walking in a park is all it takes to make a devoted father and Republican blow some stranger, do they really have what it takes to fight the war on terror?

    (Proudly married ten years without blowing a black man.)

  • Oh, and I think we should all note that it’s not gay sex we’re mocking or deriding.

    Yeah, NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT!!!

    Speaking of Seinfeld episodes, do you remember the one where George was trying to get his new boss to not see him as a racist, after he told him he looked like Sugar Ray Leonard?

    He then spends the entire episode trying to acquire a black friend, then arrange for he and his new friend to be seen together is a restaurant. All this so he could say, “see, I have a black friend. How could I possibly be a racist?”.

    Imagine the points Allen thought he could score with the black community if he was able to say “hey, I blew one o’ you people. How could I possibly be a racist? C’mon!”.

  • Maybe this explains why the U.S. has not endured an attack by Islamic extremists since 9/11 — the entire scared republican Congress went to Tora Bora and paid Osama $20 each to give him a blowjob so they wouldn’t become a “statistic.”

  • A real pathetic excuse by blowjob Allen. Why don’t he just admit that he wanted the dime job with the police officer and call it a day. Now, who is next for scandal in the GOP?

  • LOLOLOLOL!

    Sorry, but this is hilarious. What an idiot!

    But more seriously, maybe those who try to control the sexuality of others always have the same urges they want to control in others. Freud at least had the wits to recognize that repressions ALWAYS show up somewhere.

  • “Haik Bedrosian said:
    That’s fucking nasty.”

    No.
    But it COULD have led to some nasty fucking!
    Which is the best kind, really.

  • He is so scared of black people that he hangs out at night in a park frequented by black people!

  • Well, I’ve got to say it. Maybe he was tired giving blow jobs to rich, White Republicans and decided he needed to experience more risque diversions. For someone who fears us, he sure came looking. As the gay waiter said in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, I weep for the future. If a politician can no longer lie convincingly and doesn’t even try, we’re screwed.

  • This is wrong. The Officer proposed the money exchange. Not Allen. So why blame Allen for soliciting prostitution? Allen was baited.

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