Party like it’s 2008!

October 6, 2007

Guest Post by Morbo

James Dobson and his merry band of theocrats are furious at the idea that the Republicans might nominate a known abortion advocate, gay symp and cross-dresser like Rudy Giuliani. This week, they let it be known that if that happens, they will jump ship to a third party.

Writing about a recent meeting of the mullahs in Salt Lake City, Dobson opined in a New York Times piece, “After two hours of deliberation, we voted on a resolution that can be summarized as follows: If neither of the two major political parties nominates an individual who pledges himself or herself to the sanctity of human life, we will join others in voting for a minor-party candidate. Those agreeing with the proposition were invited to stand. The result was almost unanimous.”

There’s one problem: These guys don’t have a candidate. I say it’s time to get cracking. The election is only 13 months off. If Dobson & Co. want ballot status in all 50 states, they need to get started now.

I’ve decided to help out by compiling a list of possible candidates and giving some thoughts on their strengths and weaknesses. No need to thank me, Jim. Just grab one of these contenders, and you’re off to the races. Please. I beg you.

Alan Keyes
Positives: Has run for office so many times that he’s an old hand on the stump. Gives fiery speeches.
Negatives: Is hopelessly insane.

James Dobson
Positives: The one candidate guaranteed to be pure enough to meet the exacting standards of James Dobson
Negatives: Bad comb-over. Rather excitable. Prone to take direction from mercurial, invisible deity with thirst for blood.

Newt Gingrich
Positives: Very pro-family. He’s had three of them.
Negatives: Belongs to some strange religion that worships a false god named “Mammon.”

Chuck Norris
Positives: Celebrity appeal. Kick-ass attitude. Loves Jesus.
Negatives: Semi-literate. Likely to show up at state dinner in something sleeveless. Possible tattoos.

Dick Cheney
Positives: Has amazing ability to have political foes “taken care of.”
Negatives: Not so handy with a shotgun. Might possibly be Satan.

Larry Craig
Positives: Will soon need another job. Proven pro-family voting record.
Negatives: Requires frequent bathroom breaks.

Roy Moore
Positives: Travels with a two-ton Ten Commandments monument, so you know he’s serious.
Negatives: Writes bad poetry. Hasn’t had a job since 2003.

Jesus Christ
Positives: Incredible name recognition. Huge approval ratings. Good in debates.
Negatives: Not a U.S. citizen. Suspected liberal tendencies.

I open the floor to additional nominations.

Jesus Christ
Positives: Incredible name recognition. Huge approval ratings. Good in debates.
Negatives: Not a U.S. citizen. Suspected liberal tendencies.

You really think the religious right would vote for a jew?


  • Chuck Norris
    Positives: Celebrity appeal. Kick-ass attitude. Loves Jesus.
    Negatives: Semi-literate. Likely to show up at state dinner in something sleeveless. Possible tattoos.

    Semi-literate isn’t a negative – see George W Bush. Also, uncouth appearance at state dinners is not a negative either – see George W Bush. Tattoos may or may not be a deal-breaker.

    I think we’ve got our Constitution Party candidate. Is that victory I smell?

  • JR Bob Dobbs, Church of the SubGenius
    Positive: About as electable as the real ones, funnier, sex and booze without the hypocrisy.
    Negatives: See above

  • Jesus also did a number of smackdowns on Dobson’s fellow Pharisees a couple milleniae ago. I’d love to see these guys rip each other apart, to see who has to play Judas this time around.

    Jimmy “Call me Judas” Dobson. It’s got a nice ring to it.

    I think that a lot of the wingnut brigade might be willing to vote Dem, simply because they don’t want the hunt-’em-all-down” mentality of some within the Constitution Party. Would at least one Dem candidate offer to work for a fully-funded alternative to abortion—like maybe healthcare, childcare, and education assistance for mom-&-child? A whole lot of those abortions seem to be happening because “mom-to-be” sees no other alternative—and “knee-jerk reactive legislation of making abortion illegal” by the Church of Latter Day Neoconservius isn’t working….

  • Nony @ 2

    I sense a theme.

    James Dobson
    Negatives: Bad comb-over. Rather excitable. Prone to take direction from mercurial, invisible deity with thirst for blood.

    Rather excitable. Not negative – see George Bush.

    Prone to take direction from mercurial, invisible deity with thirst for blood. You kiddin’? This ain’t no negative!

    The combover may or may not be a deal breaker.

  • Ronald Reagan
    Positives: Name recognition. Not likely to be swayed by public opinion. Well-preserved good looks.
    Negatives: Requires Constitutional amendment for deceased, two-time Presidents to be eligible.

  • I would like to nominate Neal Horsley.

    Positives: Christian Reconstructionist, strong voice for the extreme religious right, virulently anti-abortion (believes in Christian “justifiable homicide” for physicians who perform abortions). Anti-gay, former convict (served 2 1/2 years for possession of three gallons of hashish oil with intent to sell), and theocrat. In his youth encouraged two of his girlfriends to get abortions when he impregnated them and was romantically involved with mules in the first blush of his manhood. Married a 16-year old runaway, very strong on family values, friend of Chuck Colson, whom he met in prison. Highly educated, graduated from Westminster Theological Seminary in 1985. Southern secessionist, believes that Georgia should violently force the rest of America to outlaw abortion by setting off nuclear bombs. Experienced in politics, ran for governor of Georgia on the ticket of the Creator’s Rights Party — a political organization with a membership of one. Now saved from his wicked ways and is a standup guy.

    Negatives: None

  • “I think that a lot of the wingnut brigade might be willing to vote Dem, simply because they don’t want the hunt-’em-all-down” mentality of some within the Constitution Party. Would at least one Dem candidate offer to work for a fully-funded alternative to abortion—like maybe healthcare, childcare, and education assistance for mom-&-child? A whole lot of those abortions seem to be happening because “mom-to-be” sees no other alternative—and “knee-jerk reactive legislation of making abortion illegal” by the Church of Latter Day Neoconservius isn’t working….”

    Actually, one of the leading Democratic presidential candidates gave a speech a few years ago describing the need for pro-choice advocates to work with those who are anti-abortion to reduce the total number of procedures even as the process remained legal. Unfortunately, if memory serves me correctly, this candidates was widely criticized on the left for being a triangulating nightmare and was seen as a pandering power grabber in the press.

  • Maybe these guys should focus on preventing unwanted pregnancies because they can’t have it both ways…..Stand against any contraceptions and against abortion for unwanted pregnancies. If more birth control were readily available then there would be less abortions. Time to get off the high moral horse and come down to some reality in this matter.

  • Unfortunately, if memory serves me correctly, this candidates was widely criticized on the left for being a triangulating nightmare and was seen as a pandering power grabber in the press.

    Would that be the same candidate who voted for the AUMF and now insists that she didn’t actually think that Bush would take us to war in Iraq? The candidate who recently voted for the Kyl-Lieberman amendment even though that amendment could be interpreted as greenlighting military action against Iran and then went on to cover the other side of the bet by expressing support for an a bill forbidding military action against Iran?

    “Triangulating” is a nice neologism. I prefer “two-faced”.

  • Maybe these guys should focus on preventing unwanted pregnancies because they can’t have it both ways…..Stand against any contraceptions and against abortion for unwanted pregnancies. If more birth control were readily available then there would be less abortions. Time to get off the high moral horse and come down to some reality in this matter.

    I agree, but the problem is that the extreme religious right thinks that contraception is evil, too. It’s hard to tell what percentage they are of the voting population, but no way is any triangulator going to reach all of the religious right.

  • OK, this more than makes up for the last post.

    Negatives: Not a U.S. citizen. Suspected liberal tendencies.

    You forgot, he’s from the Middle East and the shock of finding he shares many characteristics with Iranian (real) Aryans and none with 3rd Reich “Aryans” would kill most of his potential voters.

    Hmm…

    How about Jerry Falwell?

    Positives: Well loved by Das Base. He is dead and therefore unlikely to be caught doing any of the things Talevangicals love to do after they’ve told everyone else not to do them, including mules. (Mules? Really? Egads.)

    Negatives: Stiff. Cold. Uncommunicative.

    tAiO

    p.s. MULES?

  • Based on Dobson’s stated positions on fundamentalism, I think he could really rally around Osama Bin Laden.

    Positives: Name Recognition, Not loved by the Republicans. Strict Fundy.
    Negatives: Same beliefs as Dobson. Not a US citizen although many of his relatives rushed out of the country escorted by Bush supporters.

  • The Motor City Madman Theodore Nugent
    Positives: expert with a bow, a dedicated wingnut, likes to invite people to suck on inanimate objects.

    Negatives: radical misogynist, crazy, didn’t shower and pissed himself for a week before his draft board exam and thereby avoided going to Vietnam. Cowardly. Small genitalia.

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