Guest Post by Morbo
The Carpetbagger did a great job writing about the “Values Voter Summit” last weekend. Since I live in the D.C. area, I decided to stop by in person. I didn’t attend every session, and I missed some of the speeches (including Mitt Romney). But I did sit through a banquet honoring Focus on the Family Founder James C. Dobson. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment.
I’d like to make a few observations about the following individuals:
Mike Huckabee: I’ve never cared much for Huckabee, but I do acknowledge that he used to at least pretend to be a different kind of conservative. He would speak out against legal abortion, but then gently chide conservative Christians for not being concerned about the plight of the poor. He even flirted with the nanny state, talking about his weight loss and urging government to do more to help people eat healthier.
No more. The Huckabee on display at this event did not nothing but toss out huge chunks of raw meat. When I hear a presidential candidate advocating things like abolishing the IRS, slapping around the United Nations and impeaching federal judges who cite foreign law, I know we’re on a one-way road to Pandertown. It was embarrassing.
Danae Dobson: Dobson’s daughter delivered a tribute to him during the banquet — kind of. She seemed to damn him with faint praise. She mentioned seeing the popular YouTube video of actor David Hasselhoff, drunk out of his mind, trying to eat a hamburger off the floor. She said she was glad her dad was not like that. I think we’re all glad not to have “The Hoff” for a dad, but isn’t that setting the bar awfully low?
Danae also said she’s glad Ted Haggard is not her dad. She mentioned seeing a photo of Haggard’s wife looking devastated. I guess it never occurred to her to reach out to the woman or offer Christian compassion. All she could think was, “I’m glad my dad didn’t have a gay affair with a prostitute!” Again, the bar here is low. (And remember, her dad was too busy to help Ted become “completely heterosexual” — yet these folks are the “compassionate conservatives”?)
Judge Robert Bork: Remember this madman? He’s still around, still extremely scary and still very, very bitter about that business 20 years ago. He assured everyone that if U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton gets in, it’s going to be 24-hour free abortions and same-sex marriage for everyone. (I wonder if we can get them combined under one roof for maximum convenience?) Listening to Bork rant and seeing his face distorted into a twisted mask of rage, I could only conclude that Halloween had come early. I wish Nelson Muntz had walked in, pointed at him and said, “Ha, ha! Your effort to get on the high court was rejected!” To all who had a hand in that in bringing about that rejection, I can only say, “THANK YOU!”
William Bennett: The former Education Secretary and “drug czar” attacked U.S. Sen. Barack Obama for not wearing a flag pin on his lapel. At the time he unleashed this attack, Bennett himself was not wearing a flag pin on his lapel.
Fred Thompson: I had heard he was not so good on the stump, but I was unprepared for how much Thompson reeked. A guy behind me actually groaned when Thompson finished speaking. At one point, I had to wonder if Thompson was on cold medication or something. Thompson insisted on dragging his trophy wife and young kids on stage with him. This only made it worse, as Thompson looked like he should be the kids’ grandpa. I imagined Thompson getting down on the floor to play with the kids — and being unable to get back up. I sure hope he has one of those bracelets you can use to summon help. I’d like to think that Thompson stinks so much that we don’t have to worry about him getting the GOP nomination and the presidency – but one look at who’s sitting in the White House now should dispel that.
Alan Keyes: The human dynamo that is Alan Keyes was not invited to speak at this event, which annoyed me. It’s like they don’t believe he’s a serious candidate!
Gil Mertz: This guy is an employee of the Family Research Council. He acted as emcee during the conference. At one point, Paul Weyrich spoke. Weyrich had some serious medical problems a few years ago, and both of his legs have been amputated. He uses a motorized wheelchair to get around. As Weyrich left the stage, Mertz noted that he was tired from standing all day and wondered if he could catch a ride. You know, that did not strike me as funny.
Ron Paul: Wow! I had never heard Ron Paul speak before. I was really impressed. His maverick views and bold vision inspired me and made me realize that Paul is the only candidate in this race with even a shred of integrity. Just kidding! Ron Paul is a caveman whose very existence is an insult to modern ideas of governance. To the members of his cult, I can only say this: Please understand that Ron Paul is a certifiable lunatic who will never, ever be elected to any office higher than the House seat he currently holds. (I apologize in advance to the Carpetbagger for stirring up Paul’s trolls. I just can’t help myself. They get so angry and send such amusing messages — until their moms make them get off the internet.)
Lee Greenwood: Lee Greenwood performed during the tribute to Dobson, offering up six or seven numbers ranging from schmaltzy pop to jingoistic militarism. (Can you guess what song he closed with?) I have a request for help. For the past week, I’ve had Greenwood’s putrid rendition of “Please Come to Boston” stuck in my head and am considering drastic measures. Short of trepanation, does anyone have a cure for this?
One final thought: I’d like to give a shout-out to Lambda Rising, an iconic gay bookstore not far from the Hilton Washington, where the Values Voter Summit took place. Walking by the store during a break Saturday afternoon, I was amused to see a sign in the window reading, “Attention, Values Voters! Show your badge and get 20 percent off.” It’s good to know that the entrepreneurial spirit lives, and my guess is that most of the guys from the “ex-gay” ministry booth were down there the minute the conference ended.