A few years ago, there was an episode of The Simpsons in which Bart was supposed to deliver an oral report on Libya. Bart, of course, hadn’t done his homework and had no idea what to say. He stood up, cleared his throat, looked at the blank page in front of him, and winged it:
The exports in Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it, maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thank you.
None of this made any sense, but Bart couldn’t stand up and say, “I have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m unprepared.” He had to say something, so he made up some silliness and got the ordeal over with as quickly as possible.
I kept thinking of this scene as I watched Bush’s prime-time press conference last night. He wasn’t prepared to offer any substance or answer any questions, but he couldn’t admit that and get away unscathed. So he did what Bart did and made up nonsense on the fly.
It was a painful experience — for him and for the viewers.
Jokes about Bush’s limited intellectual prowess are a staple of comedians like Jon Stewart, Leno, Letterman, et al, but Bush made it abundantly clear last night that these jabs are, if anything, understating the case. The man simply didn’t have a clue. Bush carefully read a well-written opening statement and then rambled incoherently for nearly an hour. At times I almost felt sorry for him, before I realized that the true pity should go to us. He is, after all, our chief executive.
In some ways, Bush is a political consultant’s dream. He gives new meaning to the phrase “message discipline.” He’d repeat the same carefully chosen words — he used the word “freedom” 21 times and referred to a “free Iraq” an additional 18 times — and would never stray from his talking points. The problem was that Bush would repeat these meaningless phrases whether they responded to the question or not.
There were, if my count was right, 16 reporters called on. I don’t think he directly answered any of their questions.
Indeed, while questions often seem to irritate Bush, last night’s questions just seemed to confuse him. There were long pauses when it seemed as if Bush had lost his train of thought altogether. While many of us use mental placeholders such as “umm” to hold us over until we think of the next thing we want to say, Bush had a habit of repeating empty rhetoric until he gathered his composure. We heard that Iraq is a “historic opportunity” and that he wants to make “America more secure” whether the context called for it or not.
Of course, it wasn’t just his scared-child style that was disconcerting. The substance of his remarks was remarkably vapid. From my cluttered notes:
* Bush continues to insist, without proof or conviction, that Saddam Hussein “was a threat to the United States.” By my count, he referred to Hussein as a “threat” or a “danger” a total of 11 times. Perhaps Bush hasn’t heard about the missing WMD. Someone should write a memo or something.
* Similarly, Bush said Hussein “refused to disarm.” What does Bush think this means, exactly? If the “arms” Bush is referring to are the missing WMD, then Hussein didn’t really have anything to disarm.
* Bush was adamant that we would turn over power to the Iraqi government of June 30th. When someone asked who, exactly, we’ll be handing the reins to, Bush said, “We’ll find that out soon.” Yeah, that’s comforting.
* Bush’s 9/11 answers were particularly bizarre. He said he learned that al Queda was interested in hijackings, but “not to fly into a building.” I can’t begin to understand why he thinks the purpose of the possible hijackings are relevant. Regular ol’ hijacking threats from al Queda weren’t cause for concern?
* My single favorite moment came when Mike Allen asked Bush why he and Cheney “insist on appearing together before the 9/11 commission.” Bush said, “Because the 9/11 commission wants to ask us questions, that’s why we’re meeting.” Allen, concerned that Bush didn’t understand the question, said, “I was asking why you’re appearing together, rather than separately, which was their request.” Bush was still nonplussed. “Because it’s a good chance for both of us to answer questions that the 9/11 commission is looking forward to asking us,” he said. It’s amazing the White House still can’t think of a defense for this. The position makes Bush look like a moron and Bush’s answer makes him look even worse.
* One reporter noted that the “second-largest contingent of guns on the ground are private contractors, literally hired guns,” and asked Bush to comment on that. Bush said he welcomed “more involvement by the United Nations” and indicated he’d “like to get another U.N. Security Council resolution out.” The whole news conference was filled with one non sequitor after another, just like this one.
Watching the event unfold, it was hard to tell who was having a tougher time, Bush or the audience. Considering the whole charade was tantamount to oral surgery, I think I’ll call it a tie.
Ultimately, I find it impossible to even imagine someone watching this and having an ounce of respect for this man. Adding insult to injury, after four years of watching Bush, I’m fairly certain he’s actually getting worse as time goes on.