It was only a matter of time. As the line between Bush administration policies and political satire blurs, it’s only natural that Bush sycophants, desperate for a second term, would grasp for the most ridiculous straws imaginable to paint their man as better qualified than John Kerry.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Election of the Fittest,” by National Review’s Jennifer Graham, which — you guessed it — praises “Bush’s athletic superiority.”
Graham’s premise is relatively simple: George W. Bush is a better athlete than John Kerry, which means Bush will win the election. I assure you, Graham gave no indication that she was kidding.
Now I’ve seen various analyses over the years about historical trends in presidential elections. Many have noted that the taller candidate tends to win, or the left-handed candidate, or the candidate with less facial-hair, etc. But Graham is venturing into new, hero-worshipping territory here.
This is a country, after all, in which an aging Baby Boomer is as likely to possess a heart-rate monitor as a toaster oven. The electorate not only knows its cholesterol level, but considers it appropriate dinner conversation. The Boomers, who spend so much time crouched in vaguely obscene positions over their inflatable exercise balls, demand physical perfection of themselves, even more so of their leaders.
Which is why John Kerry will lose.
[…]
Conversely, George W. Bush is an athlete, albeit an adult-onset one. He runs 6-minute miles, bench-press 200 pounds, chops wood out on the ranch. Heck, he’s been on the cover of “Runner’s World.” Unlike Kerry’s, the president’s workouts are actual periods of elevated heart rate and significant exertion, not orchestrated photo ops. The president doesn’t exercise for the benefit of the press corps.
It’s hard to know whether to mock this kind of analysis or pity it.
Graham actually comes across as a school-girl with a crush, instead of a political analyst. You can almost hear her blushing as she swoons over Bush’s “resting pulse rate” (45 beats per minute, which Graham compares to Lance Armstrong), his “14.5-percent body fat,” his rank “in the top-two percent of men his age in cardiovascular fitness,” and his “sweating and panting for the pure physical joy of it all.”
This is the kind of column that should come with a coupon for Maalox.
Graham notes Kerry’s physical activities, but she dismisses them as elitist.
Despite his campaign’s frantic efforts to portray Kerry as the quintessential American jock, the candidate’s selection of sports — snowboarding, windsurfing, ice hockey — does nothing to bolster that image. Windsurfing is something the typical American may do for an hour on a two-week vacation at Myrtle Beach; you don’t build a fitness program around it.
This is what political commentary has come to in America. The mind reels.