Hey, Southland: Pick Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps
Posted by Morbo
Voters in Alabama in November elected a man named Tom Parker to the state supreme court. Parker is best known for his role as spokesman for “Ten Commandments” Judge Roy Moore. Parker used the fame he got during that imbroglio to launch his own campaign.
During the race, Parker played the religion card big time. It’s less well known that Parker anchored another part of his campaign in Alabama’s neo-Confederate community. At events, he would sometimes hand out small copies of the Confederate battle flag — the familiar “stars and bars” so beloved by fans of the Lost Cause. (This banner, by the way, was a battle flag. It was not the primary flag of the Confederacy.) Fair or not, this flag has over the years become identified with racist causes. (For more on this — with a photo — visit the folks at the Southern Poverty Law Center.)
When Morbo reads stuff like this, he’s just tempted to give up on the South entirely. Sometimes it seems as if that whole region has become a drag on the nation. Too many people there believe stopping gay rights is more important than a health-care plan. They put the Ten Commandments up in their courthouses yet scream about communism if someone tries to help working folks get a lift by unionizing a Wal-Mart. Firmly in the grip of fundamentalist religions, their schools teach neither evolution nor sex education. (Sorry, but having a church lady tell teens, “Jesus cries when you touch yourself there,” is not sex education.) A state supreme court judge makes an ass of his entire state by defying a federal court, and the people respond by saying he’d make a good governor. I shudder to think how a gay person gets by in a town like, say, Dothan, Ala.
There are extreme neo-Confederate groups in the South that favor re-secession. Why not just let them go?
Deep in my heart, I know that’s not the answer. After all, there are good people living in the South — liberals even — and they should not be penalized simply because many of their neighbors are enthralled by “The 700 Club.”
However, I see no reason why blue (i.e. northern) states should have to subsidize this insanity. And they do.
Numerous studies have shown that the red states get more from the federal government than they provide through the taxes they pay. The fact is, for all of its anti-government harrumphing, the South is addicted to federal subsidies.
That’s right, those pick-yourself-up-by-your bootstrap pikers are living a lie: They exist only by the grace of our handouts. They’re welfare queens!
Rather than let the South leave the union, let’s just cut off their subsidy. I’m sure they would rather be true to their principles anyway. I’m sure they don’t want that dirty old money from Sodom-on-the-Potomac. Surely they don’t want money taken from the paychecks of liberals. After all, the liberals in question probably made that money by running chains of abortion clinics, porn theaters and sandal stores. It’s tainted!
The very soul of the South is at stake, and we know they take this stuff seriously. Clearly, the sooner we stop sending infusions of cash down there, the better off the South will be.