Does anyone have the mailing address for the cultural elite?

September 24, 2005

Guest Post by Morbo

The anti-intellectual kook right often huffs and puffs about the depredations of the “cultural elite.” For a long time I’ve aspired to be a member of that rowdy crew. Where can I join? Is there a membership card?

I’ve wanted to join the cultural elite since reading a really cool opinion piece that ran in The Washington Post way back on Aug. 27, 1995, by essayist Hal Crowther. (It was adapted from his excellent book, Unarmed but Dangerous.) Crowther defended intellectual snobbery, arguing that someone has to hold up the standard up for real literature and the arts as pop culture continues to sink lower and lower.

Observed Crowther, “If you believe you have any taste, any discernment in any area, nurture it. Wear it proudly. Share it with your children. Don’t be obnoxious about your standards, but be stubborn, be strict. Keep the flame alive. When a culture is in danger of dying, snobs are its most precious natural resource.”

Amen! And I’m already well on my way there. I do not have cable TV, have no idea if Gwen Stefani is an actress, singer, dancer or all three (and don’t really care) and believe Stephen King, Tom Clancy, John Grisham and Dan Brown are hack writers whose works will be forgotten 50 years from now.

Other than “The Simpsons,” I don’t watch television. I like talky movies. Seeing Nicholas Cage run from an explosion fills me with rage. (Please let the explosion catch up with him, just once.) I defend the Victorians and believe Jane Austen rocks. I enjoy books by long-dead French dudes.

But I must admit, I retain a strange fascination with the American obsession with television. The average American watches it four hours a day. Good Heavens.

Every year about this time, I read the descriptions of the new shows. It’s obvious there are no new ideas here — over sexualized sitcoms, dumb cop shows and goofy pro-paranormal junk for the brain dead. Are you really going to waste time watching “CSI: Wilkes-Barre”?

I could write this junk. In fact, I’ve asked a friend to help me come up with a sitcom idea, and I think we’ll pitch it to CBS as a midseason replacement. It’s called “By Zeus!” and here’s a synopsis:

“By Zeus!” deals with an ancient Greek god who accidentally falls into a time vortex and is transported to modern times, where he has to live with a typical suburban family — mom, clueless dad and wise-cracking kids. If the government finds out, there will be big trouble, so he’s not supposed to use his powers — but sometimes he can’t help himself! In the first episode, Mrs. Hendrickson, the lonely (read: sexually frustrated) widow next door wants to know who the tall, dignified white-haired stranger is who’s living with the Furkim family. She’ll do anything to find out! It’s going to be zany. You see, it’s a wacky, baby boomer type throwback to shows we all loved like “My Favorite Martian,” “Bewitched” and “I Dream of Jeannie.”

I’ve already written part of the theme song:

“Zeus went walking on a sunny day
Fell into a vortex now he’s here to stay!
He’s living with a suburban family
For a god of the universe it’s zany as can be!”

Admit it, you can’t wait to see it.

By the way, my favorite book by a long-dead french dude is Journey to the End of the Night, by Louis-Ferdinand Celine.
And I’m working on my Ph.D. in physics. Cultural elite, here I come! And how!

  • It’s pretty much been done. Don’t you remember the Saturday morning CBS series Shazam and its spinoff Isis? And there have been countless versions of the alien-lives-with-family story.

  • You missed the most exciting new TV shows this season:

    CSI: All Delay, which has been approved for 25 episodes. The investigative writing staff claims to have ideas for hundreds of additional Delay-related crimes.

    Law & Order: The Capital Gang, also greenlighted for 25 episodes, pitting Congresscritters and K Street lobbyists against career DOJ prosecutors. The pilot episode feature Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.

    Rove, a mini-series of still undetermined length. The start date is uncertain due to secretive producer’s Patrick Fitzgerald’s determination to get all the facts before filming starts.

  • Morbo, I hate you!

    5 minutes ago, I had no idea something called Gwen Stephani existed. Now, I know. And I will never ever be able to reclaim those neurons I just wasted on that “knowledge”.

  • Yeah, got to agree with PhilW on that one. As much as I like most of your posts, Morbo, you were over the top on this one. I agree with you in principle, but a little bit of pop culture now and then makes for a well-adjusted person. The inability to relate to ANYTHING pop makes for a pretty detached life. The key is balance: its ok to follow some pop culture via a bit of detached fascination, provided you also maintain reverence for “the classics” and some intellectual skepticism.

    Besides, empathy with a target demographic will always make for a better marketing campaign. And we want to sway some of these pop culture-injesting voters, don’t we?

  • I’m not sure you’re supposed to have paid enough attention to tv to have been able to come up with that plot. I believe just thinking about sitcoms should create an irritated buzz in your head, making that impossible.

    Of course, neither should you find The Simpsons fun, though you may find them intriguingly accessible in a skewering satire of America kind of way.

    Aside from these minor problems, you do appear to be a member of the cultural elite. I can only guess that your failure to receive a membership card is due to your unwillingness to attend the meetings with your peers.

    (I, on the other hand, was first exposed to the cultural elite in grad school, but my membership application was turned down, due to my fondness for situation comedies and canned peas.)

  • Regarding posts 6-8, your post was a bit cocky, but the idea that there’s anything objectionable in that is itself a manifestation of the lowest-common-denominator anti-intellectualism permeating the popular culture.

    An excellent, if depressing, book on this subject is Morris Berman’s “The Decline of American Culture.”

  • P.S. Catherine, what are you talking about? The Simpsons is sheer genius, and probably the smartest thing on mainstream television.

  • The Simpsons is sheer genius, and probably the smartest thing on mainstream television.

    While I have enjoyed the Simpsons since the 80s, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is the best 30 minutes on television bar none.

  • James–

    The comment “sheer genius” indicates that you are one of The Simpsons watchers who qualifies as a member of the cultural elite. If, however, you had simply said “The Simpsons rock!” your membership would be revoked.

    To be a member of the culturally elite is to be someone who uses big words who can provide convincing rhetoric as to why slapstick comedy is satire and not the coarsest form of comedy that satisfies humor’s lowest common denominator.

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