And then they came for our donuts…

December 13, 2005

As far as companies firmly in the middle of conspiracy theories go, the Carlyle Group is a perennial favorite. The investment firm, which was featured prominently in Fahrenheit 9/11, is heavily invested in defense and aerospace contracts, became a major player after former Reagan and Bush administration officials with close ties to the national security bureaucracies joined the consortium in the 1990s. It’s home to heavy hitters such as James Baker, George H.W. Bush, and members of the Bin Laden family.

And now, in addition to lucrative Pentagon deals, the Carlyle Group now wants something even more provocative: donuts.

A trio of investors that includes the District’s Carlyle Group won the bidding for Dunkin’ Brands Inc. yesterday, agreeing to pay more than $2.4 billion for the owner of the Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin-Robbins chains. […]

The deal will make Dunkin’ Donuts an American-owned company after 15 years under French ownership. The new owners are expected to retain current management under chief executive Jon L. Luther, and senior management is expected to buy a small stake in the company.

TNR’s Jason Zengerle opened the floor yesterday to creative types with “fevered imaginations” to explain why this is some kind of nefarious plot. Anyone have any ideas?

The Bin Laden family is large. They intend to set-up all the cousins with franchises. No?

  • The deal will make Dunkin’ Donuts an American-owned company after 15 years under French ownership.

    Aha! This is about undermining the French! (I’m kidding)

  • Somehow I don’t think this means a big increase in Fair Trade lines of coffee (where the growers are paid a decent wage).

  • The deal will make Dunkin’ Donuts an American-owned company after 15 years under French ownershipActually, Dunkin’ has been under French Ownership only since Pernod bought Allied Domeq (formerly Allied Lyons, formerly Allied Brewers, etc…) last summer. For the previous fourteen and a half years, it was the Brits calling the tune.It’s just part of GWB’s ownership society. They get to own everything, and we get to work for them. The acceleration of debt peonage (the bankruptcy bill; lax mortgage lending standards, & c.) is part of the same trend. Don’t worry, however: Barbara Pierce Bush is sure our new situation will be an improvement for us. Remember, we were able to save the souls of those poor African savages whom we brought to a previous iteration of the ownership society.

  • This is easy, because coffee & donuts will be the backbone of FEMA’s emergency food supplies.
    “Let them eat Donuts and drink Coffee !!”

  • Answer: raw profit. When the world is as screwed up and the people as anguished as they are now, the natural inclination is to turn to comfort food to get through the day.

    Nefarious plot, indeed. The big corporations turn us all into nervous wrecks so they can rake in the cash when we rush to the candy stores!!

  • Expect foreign tariffs on American donuts to become a major issue for the Bush Administration in the coming months! Or maybe he’ll invade a major donut-exporting country in order to keep the donuts flowing to the Dunkin Donuts shops over here. LOL!

  • Now, don’t I remember somewhere that the Small Business Administration was miss directing funds for Katrina redevelopment to build Dunkin’ Donut shops 😉

  • I almost forgot in my first post to note the tie-in with a previous discussion here.

    James Baker been tasked by Daddy Bush to find suitable employment for Junior when he’s done playing president. Baker has arranged with the Bin Laden’s for Junior to be the night manager of the Dunkin’ Donut franchise of his choice.

  • They are upset with Homer Simpson and his lack of family values. They intend to take control, then claim that Homer’s love of donuts and distaste for raising a family properly is harming their brand and product image.

    This will lead to a campaign to cancel the Simpsons.

    This will, itself, lead to a War on Fox.

  • “This will, itself, lead to a War on Fox.” — Chuck

    The Bush family at war with Rupert Murdock?

    Bold prediction! Very bold!

  • Great answers all.

    Do these guys seem out of date in their investment ideas or what? Ice Cream and Donuts; two over crowded markets – that are easy to enter.

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