‘A Paradise Of Scandals’

Having been born and raised in [tag]Miami[/tag], I feel it’s my duty to point out reports that help to show just how bizarre a place [tag]Florida[/tag] really is. Take, for example, last night’s 60 Minutes interview with Carl [tag]Hiaasen[/tag].

Whether he’s writing fiction or journalism, Carl Hiaasen’s main character is always Florida, that axis of weirdness that gave us the sagas of Elian Gonzales, and dimpled “chads.” It’s also where developers build homes around gravel pits advertised as “lakefront property,” and where marijuana falls out of the sky.

This is how Hiaasen describes Florida: “The Sunshine State is a paradise of scandals teeming with drifters, deadbeats, and misfits drawn here by some dark primordial calling like demented trout. And you’d be surprised how many of them decide to run for public office.”

Still true? “Yeah, very true. More true than ever I think. The opportunities for corruption are many here,” says Hiaasen. “But the one thing about Florida politicians, the crooked ones that I still find somewhat heartwarming, is that they’re not very sophisticated.”

Of course they’re still true. Hiaasen novels deal with fictitious characters and scenarios, but locals know that there’s nothing in his books that couldn’t, or hasn’t, happened in real life. Hiaasen shared some anecdotal gems with Steve Kroft — I’m particularly fond of the South Florida mayor who tried to hire City Hall workers to kill her husband — all of which are hilarious, or depressing, depending on one’s perspective.

I have this theory that almost all the bad things that happen in this country have an almost direct connection to Florida. The Elian Gonzalez controversy, the 2000 election debacle, the original anthrax letters, the flying lessons for the 9/11 terrorists, the Terri Schiavo matter, the Abramoff deals, the worst drivers in the country … what else am I supposed to think?

I know that whenever I see a headline on cnn.com that says something like “Teen rape victim marries rapist” or “Neurologist arrested for bigamy, fraud”, I say to myself, “Yeah, probably Florida again” before clicking through. Four times out of five I’m right.

  • Perhaps Carl could write about a rather psychotic big boobed middle aged dirty contractor dealing election thief and congresswoman who flirts heavily with male journalists while professing to be leading a life of virtue?

    Call it Katherine H. Portrait of a Dirty Girl?

  • Completely by coincidence – not making this up – after writing post # 1 I switched to CNN.com, saw a headline that said “Two students found dead in deflated balloon”. I said to myself, “Yeah, probably Florida again,” clicked, & found this (link is http://us.cnn.com/2006/US/06/04/balloon.deaths.ap/index.html):

    LUTZ, Florida (AP) — Two college students were found dead inside a large, deflated helium balloon after apparently pulling it down and crawling inside it, officials said.

    The deaths of Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman, both 21, appear to be accidental, Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Maj. Bob Schrader said.

    Their bodies were found Saturday partially inside a deflated helium balloon at the entrance of a condominium complex a few miles north of Tampa. (Watch scene of deadly discovery — 1:10)

    The 8-foot-diameter balloon was used to advertise the complex.

    “It was more a fun thing they thought they were doing,” said Linda Rydman, whose daughter was found dead. “You know how you blow up the balloon and suck the helium.”

  • CB, I tend to agree with everything you said, but I must beg to differ with you on one point–Louisiana, particularly the area around the greater New Orleans area (within a 100 mile radius) are by far and away the Worst. Drivers. Ever.

  • I think it all started with Anita Bryant’s ads: “A day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine.” When the O.J. Simpson “trial” released him from all charges (to spend the rest of his life tracking down “the real killer” on golf courses) one of my students came up with the grim “A day without O.J. is like a day without sunshine.” Earlier, just after Anita went on her anti-gay campaign, a gay student came up with “A day without a [bj] is like a day without sunshine.” Somehow I sense a direct line from Anita down to Katherine Harris.

    Of course lately, at least in term of political dementia, I think Texas beats Florida fifty ways to Sunday.

  • … and I just clicked on a headline that said “Cops: Couple ordered hit on grandkids” and found this (http://us.cnn.com/2006/LAW/06/02/grandparents.hit.ap/index.html):
    TAVARES, Florida (AP) — A couple tried to hire a hit man to kill their three grandchildren and daughter-in-law to stop them from testifying against their son in his rape trial, authorities said.

    The couple, ages 60 and 59, were charged with four counts each of criminal conspiracy to commit murder. They were being held without bond.

    Police said the pair initially offered $100 to an undercover sheriff’s deputy to kill their son’s wife, their 10-year-old granddaughter, two step-grandchildren, ages 14 and 16, and the family dog.

    Yes! The dog too!!!

  • For those that think Florida or even Texas is bad, you should try living in Kansas some time.

    As a KC-area resident who spent about three years living there, I can assure you that, in terms of being wingnuttier than elephant shit, Kansas wins. Period.

    Of course, moving across State Line Road to the Missouri side isn’t much better, but given the choice …

  • The Chancellor of K-12 Education in Florida is Cheri Pierson Yecke. In Minnesota, she was not confirmed for Education Commisioner after 15 months as interim head. She then went to work for the Center of the American Experiment, a right-wing think tank. And had an abortive run for US Congress. Then she moved to Florida.

    She is in favor of Intelligent Design and is a big backer of NCLB. in an interview with Minnesota Public Radio on June 9,
    2003, Dr. Yecke stated that she believes every local district should have the freedom to teach creationism if that is what they choose.

    See http://www.flcfs.org/wp/?p=10

  • What amuses me most about Florida is that the Orange growers are draining the Ever(not so much)glades to plant more orchards, thus reducing the thermal buffering provided by the swamps (I don’t use the wetlands term) and getting more frost damage to their trees and fruits every year.

    And of course the fact that half of Florida is going to be under sea level in a few years because everybody there is driving SUV’s and running their air conditioners flat out.

    Could we give it back to Spain?

  • CB’s QUESTION: … what else am I supposed to think?

    MY ANSWER: Be thankful that you escaped from Florida. All of that sun makes people nuttier than a Waldorf Salad.

  • there’s a reason florida is the official state of countdown’s oddballs segment.

  • Hey bubba – gotta go with on that. NOLA and LA are in a class by themselves. I am just so proud of my hometown/state.

  • ET–you said it. The drivers in downtown Cairo, Egypt are safer and drive better than those on the streets of NOLA.

  • I suppose the good news is once Florida is under water no one is going to complain about our drilling for oil in the Eastern Gulf 😉

    Of course, by then, much of that oil will be in international waters, and the oil companies won’t even have to pay royalties!

  • Runner up: The US as a whole. Sometimes the place is just getting too ridiculous to live in. So a bunch of expates are retiring south of the border and screwing up those countries with development of pristine natural areas just as bad as they have in Florida.

  • I was born and raised in Florida and have spent most of my sixty years here. You’re correct, you can’t live here without meeting one nut case after another. Seems at least half the folks here tell me how wonderful it was back home, food was better, health care was cheaper, doctors were smarter, politicians were honest, traffic was better, neighbors were much better, they could hire someone to work in their yards for little or nothing, stores were better stocked, waiters were all wonderful and even the whiskey was better. And some of these folks have been here 20 or 30 years but this isn’t home. I usually just can’t help myself, I have ask why in the hell don’t they go back. As of yet, I haven’t gotten much of a reason. Strange to me, I wouldn’t spend my life some place I hated.

    I doubt if you could find any state with more unhappy people.

  • Well, I just moved to Florida from MA about 4 months ago. Decided to do it for a few reasons. (1) My girlfriend and I have had enough winter (2) there just wasn’t much work in my field back in MA and I didn’t want to follow my job to Bangalore (3) I thought it might be interesting to live someplace where my vote actually might men something (4) the state is in play, so we get visits from the Ashcrofts and Cheneys and their croneys.

    Yah, the state is strangeville and I’ve already caught myself driving several blocks with my left turn signal on. But the driver’s don’t seem any worse than Boston.

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