Next stop: Right Wing Happyfunland

October 14, 2006

Guest Post by Morbo

Remember the days when conservatives were clear-eyed realists and liberals were tagged as naïve folks prone to wear rose-colored glasses?

That stereotype of progressives was never accurate, of course, but the right wingers sure loved sticking it in our faces and waving that straw man before the American people. Sadly, they had a lot of success with it.

But look at the situation now. Liberals are suddenly the realists while more and more right wingers have decamped to a place I call Right Wing Happyfunland.

I got to thinking about Right Wing Happyfunland while reading accounts of the “Values Voter Summit” sponsored by the Religious Right in Washington last month. I commented previously on William Bennett’s speech at this event, during which he endorsed torture. Apparently, that only scratched the surface of this kookfest.

Here are some other things that went on:

Sean Hannity assured everyone that security forces in Iraq are ready to take control of the country; Hannity also said that President George W. Bush did a great job handling Hurricane Katrina; Jerry Falwell said God will preserve the Republican majorities in the House and Senate; U.S. Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) told the crowd not to worry about global warming — it’s a crock; and several speakers lauded Ronald Reagan as the greatest president of the 20th century.

Ah, to live in Right Wing Happyfunland!

I thought of that strange land again while reading an opinion column by Donald Rumsfeld in The Washington Post assuring us that everything is just peachy-keen in Afghanistan.

It can be hard for people like us to get to Right Wing Happyfunland. For some reason, it’s not on our maps. But if you manage to visit there, here are some ground rules to keep in mind:

1. In Right Wing Happyfunland, every bad thing can be blamed on President Bill Clinton. Even bad things that happened after Clinton left office are Clinton’s fault. Specialists in Right Wing Happyfunland are currently working on a new process whereby bad things that happened before Clinton was president can also be blamed on him. For example, it may soon be possible, in Right Wing Happyfunland, to blame the assassination of John F. Kennedy on Bill Clinton. (You’ve seen that photo of the young Clinton shaking JFK’s hand. Why didn’t he warn him?)

2. Conversely, every good thing that has ever happened can be attributed to President Ronald Reagan. Good things that happened during the Clinton presidency, for example, were due to something Reagan did having a delayed effect. In fact, Reagan, although dead, is the perpetual emperor of Right Wing Happyfunland and is actually worshipped as a god by the inhabitants, like deified Roman emperors of old.

3. In Right Wing Happyfunland, a thrice-married serial adulterer is permitted to lecture everyone on the need for family values. In addition, a terrifying, bony harpy who makes her living spewing bile and assailing women whose husbands died in a horrific terrorist attack is considered a perfect practitioner of the philosophy of Jesus Christ.

4. Conspiracy theories are common in Right Wing Happyfunland and are in fact encouraged. Let’s say a Republican member of Congress is caught sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage boy. Let’s say this had been going on for years and that the Republican speaker of the House knew about it and did nothing. In Right Wing Happyfunland, Democrats are to blame for this scandal because they had the temerity to tell people about it.

5. The rules of science do not apply in Right Wing Happyfunland. For example, when scientific research fails to prop up your political views, it can be ignored. You can then pay another “scientist” to come up with “research” that “proves” your view is correct. (That’s why global warming does not exist in Right Wing Happyfunland. When glaciers melt and polar bears drown, it’s no big deal. It’s the same with evolution: In Right Wing Happyfunland, no one evolves.)

6. In Right Wing Happyfunland, when a nut enters a schoolhouse and shoots a bunch of children, this is the fault of liberals and their permissive views. The fact that the Republican Congress, a wholly owned subsidiary of the National Rifle Association, has made it legal to buy every weapon short of a low-wattage nuclear missile is irrelevant.

7. The state-established church in Right Wing Happyfunland is officially the Church of Ronald Reagan (see point two), but many inhabitants adopt fundamentalist Christianity merged with free-market capitalism. This church was founded by Jesus Christ, CEO, but the inhabitants of Right Wing Happyfunland discovered that Jesus got some things wrong, so they now look to a man named James Dobson on matters of faith and morals. Another popular church worships a god called “Mammon.”

If you go to Right Wing Happyfunland, be sure to take your camera, as you will see many incredible sights. But I don’t recommend going if you are gay, a non-fundamentalist Christian, a supporter of women’s rights or someone who believes Americans have a constitutional right to criticize the president when they think he is behaving like a dangerous buffoon. You won’t have a very good time.

You left out number eight, which is In Right Wing Happyfunland, all negative news is a result of radical liberal bias in the MSM, which is pretty much defined as every news story that is not one right wing talk radio or on Fox News, although apparently some liberals have slithered into these once safe abodes and reported stories that conflict with the shared mythos of Happyfunland.

  • Hey I’m packing up the kids and heading for Right Wing Happyfunland. Are we allowed to get out of our cars when they approach or do they bite? Is it safe to drink the Kool-aid there? Do we need our own crazy straws?

    That’s great satire, Morbo. Oh wait. It’s not satirical?

  • I will gladly go to Right Wing HappyFunLand—but only if I’m allowed to drive the Panzer—maybe turf Coultegeist’s front lawn—fire off a few rounds at Limburger—maybe squish Hannity’s SUV—and I’ll definitely pull down that ugly, sky-high statue of their Great ReaganGod while I’m at it.

    ‘Kay?

  • My theory about Clinton and Kennedy: While in D.C., he used his mojo on Jackie Kennedy, and LBJ, fully aware of the tryst, enlisted Clinton into the conspiracy with a threat (sent by J.Edgar Hoover himself) to destroy his career if he didn’t cooperate.

  • The fact that the Republican Congress, a wholly owned subsidiary of the National Rifle Association

    This entire piece was excellent but that line sparkled and went *ting!* when I read it.

    Don’t forget: In Rightwing HappyFunland, jolly political japesters in nice suits can tell you any lie they want and if you don’t believe it you might win a free tour of CIA Black Prison Waterboarding Park.

    Steve, may we assume Coulter be on her lawn and Inshannity be in his SUV? If so, can we help?

  • Might it also be true that in Right Wing Happyfunland:

    War is Peace

    Dissent is Treason

    The French were inconsequential to the American Revolution instead of crucial to its success

    The Bill of Rights is really the Bill of Wrongs

    (and my personal fave)

    The Republicans are better at protecting the American people than the Democrats

    And, lest we forget,

    Bill O’Blarney is mainstream.

  • “the Republican Congress, a wholly owned subsidiary of the National Rifle Association, has made it legal to buy every weapon short of a low-wattage nuclear missile is irrelevant.”

    Hmm. Could the NRA have supplied the DPRK with. . .

    Nah.

  • Also, the military is to be worshipped. Not those actually serving in the military (albeit lip service is paid to their sacrifice, but nothing federally-funded), but the super-expensive toys the military loves, which look great at airshows, and provide billions to GOP-friendly corporations.
    Not to mention the billions given to GOP-dominated parts of the country for military posts and facilities that haven’t been used since WW II.

  • Sounds to me more like Right Wing HappyFUNDland — where the fundies get their funds from and no fun at all. I think I’ll spend my holiday money elsewhere.

  • In Left Wing Happyfunland, when a nut enters a schoolhouse and shoots a bunch of children, this is the fault of the tool and not the “nut(s)” using the tool…

  • Here we go again with the “tool” bullshit.

    The only tool around here is a certain tool of fuckwad Wayne LaPierre and his band of disingenuous interlopers.

  • I love the stereotyping and the general ignorance displayed by you towards me Mark. How about you head back to where this originally started and respond to my points?

    You guys are funny because you redicule the christian right for their irrational blaming of violent video games for violent acts but you have NO problem blaming a tool for a violent act and not the offender.

  • Matt, when you get right down to it, people with guns have a lot easier time killing children and adults than people without guns, especially when there are other adults around who could intervene (like the teachers sent out of the Amish schoolhouse) if there was only a knife.

    We have a gun culture in this country and a horrific murder rate that is directly linked to that culture. Perhaps that’s just a trade off the American people are willing to make, but that doesn’t mean we have to accept lies that it is liberal premissiveness rather than wingnut gun-loving that leads to these kinds of school mass killings. You dismiss item #6 by saying liberals blame the gun. That’s not what it said. It said conservatives blame liberalism for school mass killings. Morbo didn’t the gun was at fault, you used a strawman argument (natural these days I suppose, just following Boy George II’s example?) to claim that. Perhaps Morbo agrees with you that the “nuts” are responsible,

    but the gun makers are the enablers.

  • You know what lance they’d have a hell of a lot easier time killing children and adults with a bomb or by ramming the school with a vehicle (it was a small one room school). You seem to think that illegalizing guns will result in guns magically disapearing. All I need to do is point to the current sad state of the war on drugs and past prohibition to show how unrealistic such a proposition is.

    Lance I believe you are totally wrong in saying we have a gun culture in this country. IF you want an example of a true gun culture then I suggest you check out afghanistan or any number of middle east countries. I personally prefer to blame the mass school killings on the people doing the actual killing and not the tool or weapon they choose to use.

    “You dismiss item #6 by saying liberals blame the gun.”

    Hey what do you think the others have been doing everytime gun violence is mentioned here? Do you want me to link you to the last post involving schools and the “lack of the word gun”? In the comments several posters went off on the gun as being the cause.

    That’s not what it said. It said conservatives blame liberalism for school mass killings.

    Yup and over here you blame guns..

    Morbo didn’t the gun was at fault, you used a strawman argument (natural these days I suppose, just following Boy George II’s example?) to claim that.

    Like I said read the last comment section I’m referring to and you’ll see the supposed “strawman”..

    “but the gun makers are the enablers.”

    Yeah just like fast food is why we’re overweight. Just like it’s the car makers who enabler my speeding. Just like it’s the pool cue makers fault for enabling me to bash someone over the head with their product. Just like it’s… well you should surely see my point by now

  • Over 16,000 people are murdered every year in the United States, most by a gun. Many more are injured in gun attacks; some are crippled.

    There are two factors at work here – intent and means.

    Yes, we should try to figure out what motivates some people to kill others, do everything we can to identify those folks and intervene to change their behavior before they kill. But that is at best an imperfect science, which will undoubtedly miss some potential killers.

    Which brings us to the means. Why wouldn’t a rational society try to limit access to the means of murder? And, in our present world, that means limiting access to guns. Can we do that 100%? No more than we can identify potential killers 100% of the time.

    But, why shouldn’t we try both interventions? The results would certainly be better than if we simply continue to argue over which of the two interventions is better.

  • We already have a great deal lf laws on the books in relation to guns. Before we talk about more bans we need to start enforcing the current laws. There’s been too many cases where a cop found an illegal weapon but didn’t know it because something as simple as two digits being swapped in the database search.

    SO have you bothered counting up the number of homocides involving knives or blunt force trauma? It’s quite a lot but yet I don’t see screams for knives and baseball bats to be outlawed..

    • Comments are closed.