All I want for Christmas is…

December 25, 2006

Christmas is a day about giving, so I thought it’d be fun to consider some gift ideas for those we think about every day.

Karl Rove gets a calculator this year, because his own personal math turned out to be a little unreliable.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel deserves a comfy massage chair, so foreign heads of state don’t feel compelled to accost her at G8 meetings.

More so than anyone else in the country, Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) needs a copy of “An Inconvenient Truth.”

Rep. Virgil Goode (R-Va.) gets a copy of the U.S. Constitution, with Article VI highlighted so he can’t miss it.

Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Colo.) would clearly get a lot of use out of a CD set of “How to Speak Conversational Spanish.”

Stephen Colbert gets a ticket to next year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, just in case next year’s headliner is tempted to go easy on those guys.

Scooter Libby could probably use a bulletproof vest, just in case he goes hunting with Dick Cheney before the VP is scheduled to testify.

Tom DeLay may be known as “The Hammer,” but this year, the appropriate gift might be an extra-large sledgehammer, the kind that’s really good for breaking rocks in the hot sun.

Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) might enjoy a copy of Dan Savage’s “Skipping Toward Gomorrah,” so at least he’d finally know what all the snickering is about.

Tony Snow obviously deserves an Honorary Presidency of the Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf Appreciation Society.

And for President Bush, I’d like to give him a World Atlas, because at this point, he seems entirely unable to find his way out of Iraq.

Any other gift ideas?

A return ticket to home for all “coalition” forces in Iraq.

Conversely, a crappy bulletproof vest, a dirty M-16, worn combat boots, lousy bullets, a single canteen of foul water and a ticket to Iraq for those in the admin who pushed this war, the meat puppets who sold this war, the war profiteers, and the deluded arseholes who still support OIF.

  • Happy Festivus, every one! Let us return next year for another airing of grievances. Or even tomorrow. šŸ˜‰

  • Laidies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I would like to nominate Mr. Keith Olberman for the Congressional Medal of Honor. Maybe a Pulitzer or two, a whole pocketful of Emmys, and a network-news empire all his own with which he can blitzkreig Bill O’Reilly back into the age of cave dwellers. As in protohumans—not the NRCC.

  • Thanks for the laughs, Steve. I’d like to give George Bush a less optimistic rug..

    Best wishes to my fellow heathens et al on The Carpetbagger Report.

  • In one of my few uncynical moments, how about Peace on Earth and Good Will Toward Men. — Comment by CharlieT

    “We’re the government. We don’t do that.”
    — James Earl Jones in Sneakers

    Great flick if you want some fun.

  • The best Christmas present I can imagine will arrive in January – Democratic control of Congress. I can’t wait.

  • Any other gift ideas?

    I’d say that George Felix Allen has to be pretty bummed out this Christmas. Maybe he could use a nice pet to cheer him up. How about a cute little macaque monkey?

  • Excellent gift suggestions. They reflect what we could see next year as shown by some of these headlines from http://www.altara.blogspot.com

    2007 HEADLINES ā€“ An Early Look

    TRUMP INVITES Oā€™DONNELL TO CO-HOST ā€œTHE APPRENTICEā€

    AL GORE ENTERS WEIGHT WATCHERS PROGRAM
    Considered an early indication of candidacy

    IRAN HOSTS EVOLUTION DENIAL CONFERENCE

    VIRGIL GOODE TO BECOME MIDEAST ENVOY
    Bush praises Representative Goode as fair and balanced

    BORAT A BIG HIT IN NORTH KOREA

    GALE NORTON JOINS SIERRA CLUB
    Considered to be on track to become its president.

    CONGRESSMAN JEFFERSON BUYS LOCK FOR REFRIGERATOR

    DURHAM DISTRICT ATTORNEY TO LEAD AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION
    Michael Nifong praised for his keen sense of justice.

    GEORGE CLOONEY COMES OUT
    Admits that he’s a closet Republican

    JOHN ASHCROFT THE VICTOR IN ā€œAMERICA IDOLā€
    Acclaim for his performance of ā€œLet the Eagles Soarā€

    JOE BIDEN HIRES SPEAKING COACH
    Told to practice more on talk shows.

    GONZALES PUSHES FOR FAIR TRIBUNALS
    Attorney General joins Bush in push for defendantsā€™ rights

    HILLARY DECLINES PRESIDENTIAL RUN
    Cites wish to spend more time with Senate and family

    BUSH NEGOTIATES PEACE IN IRAQ
    U.S. withdraws with honor and amidst acclaim from world leaders.
    Iraq becomes a Jeffersonian democracy.

  • I think thew word you’re looking for is ‘assault’. Here’s ‘accost’:

    acĀ·cost (ə-kĆ“st’, ə-kŏst’) pronunciation
    tr.v., -costĀ·ed, -costĀ·ing, -costs.

    1. To approach and speak to boldly or aggressively, as with a demand or request.
    2. To solicit for sex.

    [French accoster, from Old French, from Medieval Latin accostāre, to adjoin : Latin ad-, ad- + Latin costa, side.]

    Directory > Words > Thesaurus
    accost

    verb

    1. To approach for the purpose of speech: greet, hail, salute. See approach/retreat, greeting, seek/avoid.
    2. To meet face-to-face, especially defiantly: confront, encounter, face, front. See meet.

    Directory > Reference > Antonyms
    accost
    v

    Definition: approach for conversation or solicitation
    Antonyms: avoid, dodge, evade, ignore, scorn, shun

    Directory > Words > Word Tutor
    accost pronunciation

    IN BRIEF: To suddenly approach another to speak.

    pronunciation Sam didn’t want to accost Melanie, but he needed to speak with her.

    Directory > Reference > WordNet
    Note: click on a word meaning below to see its connections and related words.

    The verb accost has 2 meanings:

    Meaning #1: speak to someone
    Synonyms: address, come up to

    Meaning #2: approach with an offer of sexual favors
    Synonym: solicit

  • “Any other gift ideas?”

    For Someone in the Bushite Administration to catch a clue and figure out that Diplomacy means making FEWER enemies and MORE friends and not the other way around.

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