Back in the (county formerly known as the USSR) – you don’t know how lucky you are

Posted by Morbo

Back when there was a Soviet Union, an angry conservative confronted by an articulate liberal could always whip out this rhetorical trump-card: “I can understand why you support [insert liberal position here]. After all, that’s what they do in Soviet Russia! Maybe you should just move there!”

Yes, red-baiting served the right wing well for so long that Morbo can’t help but think that in their heart of hearts, some conservatives must have been unhappy when the whole Commie shooting match fell down.

Now it’s time for progressives to turn the tables and embrace the “move to Russia” argument as their own but make it better and sensible. The more I read about Putin’s Russia, the more I am convinced that right-wingers ought to go live there. I think they’d fit right in.

Let’s face it, many on the kook right simply do not support the American system of government. They are especially bothered by the independent judiciary and the three co-equal branches of government. They want to find a way to make the courts subservient to Congress (as long as Congress is under control of the Republican Party, of course.)

All you hear out of the Religious Right these days are dark mumblings about “activist judges,” “the out-of-control judiciary,” “black-robed elites,” and so on. For crying out loud, they won’t even let us execute juveniles any more!

Putin’s Russia has cracked that nut. As detailed in a recent Washington Post article by Peter Finn, when judges in Russia do something radical — like, say, find a defendant not guilty — they get tossed off the bench.

If a Russian judge runs afoul of the Qualification Collegium, which is an actual Russian judicial oversight body and not something confronted by Josef K in a Franz Kakfa novel, he or she is likely to be out of a job. Unfortunately, it’s pretty easy to cross the Collegium. A little thing like failing to find a defendant guilty will suffice.

Judges are targeted for forced retirement or dismissal if they apply the law to acquit even everyday defendants, issue sentences that are seen as too lenient by court chairmen or fail to follow prosecution requests to send suspects to overcrowded pretrial prisons where they can languish for months, according to judges, law professors and lawyers. The climate reflects the growing power of the state in Putin’s Russia.

As a result, in some Russian courts the conviction rate is 100 percent. It could be that the prosecutors are uncannily adept at bringing charges only against those who are absolutely, without a doubt, hands-down, ironclad guilty. Yes, that could be it — but it’s much more likely these are kangaroo courts much like the ones Stalin established.

A few years ago, failed Supreme Court candidate and all-around judicial nutcase Robert Bork seriously proposed a constitutional amendment giving Congress the right to set aside high court rulings by majority vote. More recently, U.S. Rep. John Hostettler (R-Third Moon of Saturn) called on President George W. Bush to order U.S. marshals not to enforce a federal court ruling ordering the removal of a Ten Commandments monument from government property in Gibson County, Ind.

Guys like Bork and Hostettler and all those who applaud them are wasting their time by constantly attacking the fundamental values of a free and open society as outlined in the U.S. Constitution. Where’s that getting them? Instead, they need to get back to what once was the USSR!

And the great thing is, neutered courts are just the beginning. There are plenty of other reasons why right-wingers will love the new Russia:

EPA? No Way!: I have to admit, I’ve never been to Russia. But all the photos I’ve ever seen of even moderately sized Russian cities are dominated by factory smokestacks belching out the most foul-looking greenish-gray smoke imaginable. Normal people gag at the sight of it, but you residents of the right-wing Bizarro World love that smoke. It’s a sign of business and industry on the move, and that’s always good! It’s obvious the Russians don’t have an Environmental Protection Agency. No heavy-handed bureaucrats here to stifle the entrepreneurial spirit. It’s an Ayn Rand wonderland of no-holds-barred capitalist fun!

Real fun with real guns!: Russian police are said to be notoriously ineffective and corrupt. Allegedly, Russian mobsters run many parts of the country. With the police out of the picture, you’ll have to rely on your own trusty sidearm to protect yourself and your family, as well any nuns and orphans you might encounter. Yep, it’s up to YOU and your beautiful, shiny, huge, powerful gun to survive. Talk about a Second Amendment fan’s dream come true! After all, while many states in America let you carry a concealed weapon to a day-care center, church, hospital, mental institution or bar, most stubbornly refuse to let you wear your iron openly, like in the Wild West. And you know that’s what you long for – a chance to strap on your six-shooter, eight-shooter, 56-shooter, assault rifle, flame-thrower, low-yield tactical nuclear weapon or whatever (you have a special name for it, don’t you; c’mon, admit it!) and strut your stuff. Here, you would stroll down Main Street well armed and confident – if it weren’t for the liberals and people like those million buttinski marching moms. Well, in Russia, you’ll get that chance. Only Main Street will be called something like “Nevertsky Prospekt.” No biggie because you still get to caress your gun in public. (Sweet, sweet gun. Ohhhhh….)

Church and State: Time For a Reconciliation: In the new Russia, religion is no longer the opiate of the masses. After all, Bush looked into Putin’s eyes and saw right into his soul. Wow. Russia is now a deeply spiritual place, and it will be even more so once the Russian Orthodox Church finalizes its plans for re-establishment — just like during the time of the czars! You fundamentalist Protestant right-wingers should have no fears about aligning with a state church that was once part of Roman Catholicism. That was a long time ago. Today’s Orthodox leadership hates everything you do – gays; legal abortion; science; the 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st centuries; uppity feminists and DVDs from France that show people doing the wild thang. With church and state together at last, all of that will be crushed! Don’t you want to help? Hey, you could bring your gun! (Beautiful, shiny gun. Ohhhhh….)

Iron Leadership: Namby-pamby details like a free press don’t hamstring a statesman like Vladimir Putin. This guy ran the KGB. You think he’s going to let a newspaper editor get in his way? Not as long as there’s a secret gulag 1,000 miles in the frozen north. Admit it, right-wingers, you long ago stopped even pretending to support the right of people you disagree with to engage in freedom of speech and assembly. That liberal clap-trap just gets in the way of the Maximum Leader’s plans for unnecessary wars, the constant dissemination of propaganda and the spoon-feeding of lie after lie after lie to the people. In the new Russia, you simply won’t have to deal with dissent. There’s a place for smelly, sandal-wearing hippie liberals there, and it ain’t the house next door to you. You’ll be rootin’ for Putin!

Face it, Russia is the place to be. It’s a giant red state — only this time it’s the good kind of red! And if you right-wingers still aren’t convinced, here’s the clincher: I’m almost certain they don’t have that nasty old socialistic boondoggle called Social Security.