Better explanations, please – The Carpetbagger Report

Guest Post by Morbo

With Sen. Larry Craig (R-Some Public Restroom) poised to resign this morning, the senator is left to wonder what could have been. Usually, guys like Craig pay media consultants thousands to help them tweak messages and spin the news. What do they get for their money? Not much apparently.

Consider Craig’s response to his arrest for disorderly conduct in a public restroom at the Minneapolis airport. It’s obvious Craig was trying to get a little something going with the guy in the stall next to him, yet his defense — he has a “wide stance” when going to the bathroom — can only be called pathetic. “The dog ate my homework” looks like solid gold next to Craig’s claim.

Who helped Craig shape that idiotic message? Whoever it was should resign, too. As a free public service to these guys, I’m going to offer five more plausible explanations that Craig or the next right-winger arrested can use. It took me less than half an hour to think these up, and I’m putting them out there at no cost. Why? Simply because I care.

1. Blame it on medication: “My doctor prescribed Zoozaxx for that old war injury of mine. I know you’re not supposed to drink alcohol when you’re on Zoozaxx, but I figured one glass of wine on the plane wouldn’t hurt. Hoo boy, was I wrong! I don’t even know how I got into that men’s room let alone what I said to that cop. Wow, I must have really been out of it! I’m just glad they found me in time. I’ve sure learned my lesson: When they say alcohol and Zoozaxx don’t mix, they mean it!” [Note: If you are a chickenhawk, like most Republicans, substitute “old football injury.”]

2. Claim to have been conducting your own undercover investigation: “I had read about these goings-on in public restrooms at the airport. I wanted to save America’s kids from these perverts, so I started my own undercover operation as a prelude to legislation I plan to introduce next week making sex in public restrooms a federal crime. I even allowed myself to be arrested to get a real insider’s look at this sick and twisted world. But the cops blew my cover and screwed everything up. Now I guess America’s kids won’t be safe.”

3. Invoke the weight of the world: “I’ve had a lot on my mind lately — our boys fighting in Iraq, protecting Americans from terrorism and all that. It’s all so overwhelming, you know? People don’t understand what it’s like to be a senator and have all of that on you 24/7. I guess I lost contact with reality for a few minutes. I didn’t even know where I was. When I came to, I was as shocked as anyone to find myself in a public restroom! And they say I was acting strangely. I guess the wife and I need a little time off.”

4. Blame it on your contact lenses: “I’m blind as a bat without my contacts. When I lost one in the stall, I started to panic. I knew I’d never get back to terminal without it. Naturally I started feeling around for the lost contact, and since I couldn’t see, well, I guess I strayed into the other guy’s stall. He must have misunderstood.”

5. Say you were just trying to be helpful: “You know that ‘Seinfeld’ episode where the woman in the stall next to Elaine won’t give her even one square of paper? That had a profound effect on me. Since then, I always check to see if the guy next to me needs some squares. It seems the neighborly thing to do, and in Idaho, we’re very neighborly.”

There you have it. Now let’s have no more talk about wide bathroom stances. Senators run into trouble all the time, and they need good excuses. We can and will do better.

Dale, you crack me up, lol.

Larry Craig gave himself away, and was doomed for the events that followed, the moment he responded to seeing the cop’s card or badge or whatever it was, and loudly said, “NO!” Someone who doesn’t know exactly what Craig clearly knew would have responded with, “What? Oh, hey, officer – you got any TP in there? – this one’s fresh out.” But “NO!” tells the entire world that Larry Craig knew exactly why the cop identified himself. Had that been anyone but a cop in that stall – who was there for more ordinary purposes – Craig’s tap dance and hand jive would have likely been met by, “Hey, buddy, what’s your problem? Get your paws out of my stall and keep your feet to yourself!” So, after the foot-tapping and what-not was not greeted that way, Craig thought he had someone next to him who was reading those signals and possibly responding. Seeing that cop’s card, he knew it was all over – knew he was caught.

For Craig, taking that chance was either part of the thrill, or evidence of the desperation that comes when your public position is vociferously anti-gay. Or, possibly, both.

Either way, there are several things I hope will come out of this: (1) that Larry Craig does get the counseling he needs to come to terms with himself, (2) that his wife joins him in that endeavor, because she needs help in that regard, too, (3) that Craig reaches the point where he can not only accept himself, but can publicly repudiate his previous positions on the matter, and (4) that the Republican Party stop making personal and private issues part of their public platform.

One and two I have way more optimism about than 3 and 4, but who knows?