Guest Post by Morbo
A professor at the University of Southern Maine announced this week a reward of $1 million to anyone who could provide a photograph that leads to the capture of Bigfoot alive.
Loren Coleman, representing Duel Masters, a company that makes toys and trading cards, said the firm would fork over the money for a specimen of the elusive creature, reported the Associated Press.
Days later, however, the company rescinded the offer, fearing someone might get hurt if hordes of heavily armed Bigfoot hunters charged into the woods.
I know what you’re thinking: “Hey, this is a political blog. Stop writing about Bigfoot!” Bear with me. This story has an easy-to-overlook political bent, and here it is: I’m convinced Bigfoot is on our side. He’s a Democrat, and if we find him he could become a powerful spokesmonster for the progressive cause. I’d like to see the original offer resurrected and the bounty upped to at least $2 million. We need to find America’s abominable snowman fast.
Imagine that it’s one year from today, and numerous House and Senate races are too close to call. Control of Congress hangs in the balance. That’s when we bust out our new commercials:
Cue the soft lights, gentle piano music in the background. Bigfoot sits on a stool, looking kind of casual against a background of earth tones that really accentuates his dark hair. Of course, we’ve given him a thorough wash and comb and dressed him in some khaki Dockers and a light blue Oxford button-down with an open collar. (Let’s hope the big-and-tall store has really big and really tall items.)
He looks directly at the camera and says, “Hi, I’m sasquatch. You might remember me from that 1967 film where I ran through the woods. Yeah, those sure were crazy times… but I’m here today to talk about something much more serious. You see, the Republican Congress really has me worried. Oh, I know people think I’m just a symbol of the rugged spirit of the untamed West — and I suppose I was once. But the Republicans have made it impossible for that spirit to exist anymore. They’ve logged my forests, polluted my streams and allowed oil companies to rip up my back yard. A guy can’t even get a decent night’s sleep any more. And don’t even get me started on global warming. You try wearing a fur coat all summer long. And you know what else? Like 45 million other Americans, I don’t have a health-care plan.
“We have the power to make a difference. Please, go to the polls and vote Democratic this year. Do it for me, your old pal Bigfoot. If you don’t, I might have to come and eat your children — just kidding.
“I’m Bigfoot, and I approve this ad.”
The big guy has real star power. I think he could easily turn the tide in several states and districts. Let’s face it, no one wants to monkey with him.