Carry on my wayward, square prairie state — they’ll be ignorance when you are done

May 14, 2005

Guest Post by Morbo

A committee of the Kansas State Board of Education recently wrapped up a three-day trial of the theory of evolution. A lawyer defended evolution, while another attacked it.

I am not making this up. It actually happened. You can read about in newspapers.
Why were lawyers doing this instead of, say, biologists or geologists? Because scientists in the state refused to participate in what they knew was a farce.

Last November, social conservatives took control of the Kansas Board of Education. The chairman, Steve Abrams, is a creationist who believes the Earth is no more than 10,000 years old. That’s right! Those wacky Kansans put a certified ignoramus in charge of the education of their children. Are those folks nutty or what?

Abrams and his cohorts ran the Board back in 1999 and removed evolution from the state science standards. There was a backlash to that, and in November of 2000, a moderate faction took control of the Board.

Fundamentalists regained control in November, and this time they’ve learned from their mistakes. Abrams knows the courts won’t let him teach Fred Flintstone science in the public schools, so he’s advocating the next best thing: “intelligent design.” The three-day, trial-like hearing was the first shot across the bow, the first step in what is expected to be a fierce new attack on evolution.

It may surprise you to learn that my contacts in the state of Kansas are numerous. Some of them are under deep, deep cover. They slipped me some info, and I’m able to offer all of you out there in Carpet Land (sorry, I had to do that sooner or later) an exclusive: This is going to be a very interesting summer in Kansas. You might want to visit and get in on some of the fun.

“Scopes II” was just the beginning. The Kansas Attorney General’s Office has lined up a series of great trials that you won’t want to miss. Reserve your room in Topeka now. Here’s the all-star lineup:

June 7-9: State of Kansas v. The Theory of Gravity: The theory of gravity says an invisible (how convenient!) force compels objects to fall downward. Yet we can look right up in the sky and see things hanging up there — such as clouds, the moon, kites and jets. Clearly the theory of gravity is in crisis; it’s full of weaknesses.

Alternative theory to be taught: “Intelligent Signage,” which holds that the horizon is just a cleverly painted backdrop.

June 22-24: State of Kansas v. The Germ Theory of Disease: Allegedly, diseases are caused by invisible (how convenient!) microbes called “germs.” No one has observed these “germs” enter cuts in anyone’s skin and cause sickness. This theory is about as solid as Jello! It’s collapsing all around us.

Alternative theory to be taught: “Intelligent Damnation,” which holds that sickness is punishment from God because of your sick, twisted, perverted, evil lifestyle.

July 5-7: State of Kansas v. The Theory of Plate Tectonics: Supposedly, the Earth’s crust rests on a series of plates. These plates were once joined together and can move. Yeah, right. What are they made of — china? No one has ever observed these plates move. This is one shaky theory.

Alternative Theory to be taught: “Intelligent Tortiseism,” which teaches that all of human existence rests on the back of a giant turtle.

July 19-21: State of Kansas v. The Theory of the Spherical Earth: Spherical Earth theory holds that the planet is round like a ball. This crumbling belief system, which was also espoused by Communists in the Soviet Union, is patently absurd. If the Earth were round, people in Australia would fall off. Do those ivory tower pointy heads think we’re idiots?

Alternative theory to be taught: Intelligent uni-planeism, the scientific theory that the Earth is single, long-running plane of a certain depth with dimensions that could be measured if we had a really big ruler.

August 1-19: Special event — State of Kansas v. Beelzebub a.k.a Old Scratch, The Great Deluder, The Prince of Demons, Lucifer, Satan and His Minions and Familiars et al: Acting on a petition signed by a number of Kansas residents who have complained of seeing “the skys full of Witches ryding about on their most evill broomes at nyte,” the attorney general will conduct full-scale witch trials for nearly three weeks. Suspects will be rounded up from Unitarian churches. Spectral evidence will be admitted!

There’s no doubt! Kansas is the place to be this summer.

I don’t believe that Hannah-Barbera has gotten it’s rightful recognition in the pantheon of great T.V. programming for creating that primal, cutting edge reality program, The Flintstones.

I hadn’t realized it before you made the connection for me Morbo, but it was a true representation of Man and Dinosaur working in tandem for the betterment of society.

Ahh, for the good old day’s. Riding ‘cross the range on the trusty Triceratops herdin’ them Mastadons to market. Staying up late under the stars watching out for the nasty Sabertooth so none of the little Brontosaur doggies would get et up.

Them was hard times but good times. And we’ve got our forefather’s Fred and Barney to thank for the civilization that we now live in.

And of course, Wilma and Betty were of so much help back at the cave.

Keep the home fires burning.

  • This is so hysterically funny it defies all attempts at rational response. Thanks, Morbo, I needed that!!

  • Carpet Land? I don’t think so. There’s a word that trolls could insert between Carpet and Land – since I’m female, I don’t want to be called that. Carpetbagger Land.

  • Ive been playing around with the idea of calling the bluff of these fundies and letting them teach their mythology, but in a philosophy class. Contrasting these really primitive belief systems with some of our greatest philosophical ideas could be a way to reintroduce the critical thinking skills Analytical Liberal was talking about in another thread. It could also help the children of these fanatics break the brainwashing. On the other hand, I’m afraid to even crack the door to these wackos, let alone let them in the house.

  • tings: One way that I’ve taken to waging my own personal battle to expose the mythologies extant in our budding theocracy is to substitute the name of any god anywhere in conversation where the term “God” would come up, and you’d be surprised how often that is in everyday speech! If people would do that regularly in their writing, it would quickly make a mockery of the whole idea that people who wear their faith on their sleeves automatically deserve deference. What I’d really like to see is Bush’s speeches transcribed in such a way that all mentions of the word “God” would be replaced with Zeus or Apollo or Thor. How quickly he’d be laughed off the world stage.

  • Did anyone see Family Guy the other week when Mel Gibson was being parodied? He eventually falls off Mount Rushmore and Peter claims he knew that would happen because Christians believe gravity is only a theory. It was freakin’ sweet!

  • President Lindsay

    I have started developing tactics too. I’ve taken to being very outspoken in my agnosticism. One of my favorite slap down phrases is “Faith is not knowing, it’s an emotion.”(How about that? I’ve managed to hit the apostrophe key a couple of times.)

    Catherine

    I could have sworn you were talking to me. I even did a fast google of Pratchett – too fast. I looked again and found the “Carpet People.”

  • Frame alert! Please, PLEASE do not call these clowns “conservatives”!

    There’s nothing “conservative” about them. They are “radicals”. Let’s be clear about that.

    “Today, radicals put Evolution on trial.” See, it flows nicely. Just search and replace “conservative” with “radical”. Easy, and, to paraphrase John Adams, adds a great deal to clarity.

  • tings–

    No, I was referring to the Intelligent Tortoisism, straight from Pratchett, I think, which was how far I had to read down before I could definitively be sure that it was all a big joke.

  • Wow, a hate group against “Christians”. What will they think up next?

    • Comments are closed.