Chimps with weapons: This can’t be good

Guest Post by Morbo

Members of a band of chimpanzees living in West Africa have been observed fashioning weapons.

As The Washington Post reported recently, this isn’t just a simple case of a chimp picking up a stick and using it as a tool. In this case, the chimps had more work to do. Reported The Post:

Using their hands and teeth, the chimpanzees were repeatedly seen tearing the side branches off long, straight sticks, peeling back the bark and sharpening one end. Then, grasping the weapons in a “power grip,” they jabbed them into tree-branch hollows where bush babies — small, monkeylike mammals — sleep during the day. In one case, after repeated stabs, a chimpanzee removed the injured or dead animal and ate it, the researchers reported in yesterday’s online issue of the journal Current Biology.

“It was really alarming how forceful it was,” said lead researcher Jill D. Pruetz of Iowa State University, adding that it reminded her of the murderous shower scene in the Alfred Hitchcock movie “Psycho.” “It was kind of scary.”

At first, I was alarmed by this news. Anyone who has seen the “Planet of the Apes” series can’t help but find this disturbing. If this keeps up, in a few years we may all be laboring in the salt mines while our chimp overlords kick back with a few drinks and some bush baby burgers.

But on reflection, I think I’m coming around to the idea of chimp empowerment.

There are advantages. For one, this new development is yet another blow to the creationists. Biblical literalists insist that humans are at the top of God’s pyramid and that all other animals are just dumb brutes over which “dominion” can be exercised.

Chimps are closely related to humans, sharing much of our DNA. Their ability to create and use tools shows a keen intelligence that only underscores our close kinship. We need to do more to protect these cousins of ours and their environments.

Secondly, chimps on the rise may not be such a bad thing. Let’s face it, we humans have gotten awfully fat and sassy. Maybe we need a rival to encourage us to get our house in order. I doubt chimps will use their newfound ability to create tools to make vehicles that get 8 miles to the gallon, nuclear bombs or Brittney Spears CDs (although the fact that the first thing they’ve made is a weapon does cause me some concern).

I say let the chimps step up to the plate. They can’t possible make a bigger mess of things than we have.

Hmmm… did if anyone noticed a black monolith with its dimensions in a perfect 1:4:9 ratio anywhere near the monkeys?

  • One day I saw a bird — a local Texas variety we call a grackle — repeatedly pick up a piece of candy in a wrapper, fly up to a branch, and drop it on the sidewalk. Over and over again until the candy cracked. I would certainly consider that to be using a tool.

  • and dick chaney just said that he knows for a fact that the chimps have chemical and biological weapons and are working to reconstitute their nuclear weapons program!

  • You’re right, mellowjohn. We must invade Senegal, kill the chimp leaders, and convert them to humanity!

  • I wouldn’t worry about it too much, until the WH talking points start including nonsense about these chimpanzees taking lessons at US flight schools.

    BEWARE OF THE FLYING MONKEYS!!!

  • Admittedly this is speculation, but is it possible that this behavior is in part the result of habitat destruction? With food plentiful, chimps wouldn’t have reason to go to such extensive lengths to get it. But if habitat destruction is shrinking the food supply, then this might be an act of desperation.

    I’m reminded of the videos circulating of baboons in South Arica harassing shoppers as they leave the grocery store or scavenging through garbage cans to find food. In the grocery store parking lots they literally grab bags of groceries away from people, all the while showing their fangs. You’d have to think that this type of behavior would not occur if food in their natural habitat were plentiful (or if their habitat itself was plentiful).

    Here in the Twin Cities there was an article in the paper not long ago about how coyotes have been seen frequently in populated areas because their habitat has shrunk and because they’ve discovered that small family pets are easy pickings.

    John Hiatt has a pretty good song about this general topic on his “Beneath This Gruff Exterior” album called “Fly Back Home”. Check it out.

  • But this isn’t as scary as a chimp having control of the most powerful army on the planet. Now that’s frightening!

  • This behavior has probably been going on for a very long time. Rememer that they didn’t just start doing what they did when Jane Goodall started observing them. They have 99% the same genes as humans,so where is the surprise?

  • Sorry, Tom (#8), but I think the chimps were as innocent and fun-loving as bonobos until that witch Goodall showed up. One look at a woman and they began to doubt their manhood. Now they’re acting out aggressively on poor widdow bush babies. Can anyone see the interwoven concepts here? Bush, chimps, woman, sexual inadequacy, need for weapons? I think we may seriously consider withdrawal from Iraq now that the Bush Crime Family (Carlyle Group) has opened up this new market for its weapons division.

  • I can’t believe a piece on chimps went all the way to comment number 7 before Bush was brought into the mix.

  • Be nice to the chimps, Prez; comparing them to Bush could instigate an interspecies incident, and lead to war….

  • This is all we need, more weak minds for the GOP to bend. “Those tree hugging liberals will take away all of your sticks”, the chimps of course not seeing the irony of religion, convert to Christianity and vote GOP.

    Chimps have been using sticks for years. They peel off the bark and put the stick into a termite hole, wait, then eat the termites. So we got a hostile or really hungry one on our hands.

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