Chuck Norris explains what it takes to be president

February 6, 2007

Actor Chuck Norris (yes, that Chuck Norris) wrote a lengthy column this week for World Net Daily that has to be seen to be believed. Norris, who as far as I can tell does not have a background as an historian, explained to conservative readers the appropriate qualifications for the presidency.

Rev. Daniel Fosters’ [sic] inspirational address [in 1790] to these magistrates is a must read for anyone concerned with the future of our country and criteria for properly appointed representatives…. The words he shared that day were not only stirring but reflective of a general consensus and credo of what citizens (not just clergy) expected of their legislative leaders. Its components still contain what I would call a primer for the election of the presidency or any other chosen representative. […]

For Foster and our Founders, government is a ”divine appointment,” an ordained institution of God, and ”an important mean of delivering us from the evils of the apostasy; and designed to prepare us for the more encouraging restraints the gospel enjoins.” As such, it too has Jesus Christ, not some nebulous and neutered god, as its head. […]

Unlike today, no politician then would have ever even thought of Foster’s words as religiously pejorative or prejudice, for Christianity was the only religion upon which our Republic was founded. It was clergy, not imams, who were called to speak before legislatures. Even Jefferson did not propose a separation between mosque and state, just as he could never have imagined a democracy in which its congressmen were sworn into government upon a Quran.

There are (at least) two angles to consider here, even if we put aside Norris’ qualifications. First, the Founding Fathers mandated in the Constitution that there should be no religious test for public office. To hear Chuck Norris explain it, those who wrote the Constitution are wrong, and Rev. Daniel Foster, who insisted that leaders be Christian, was right.

I realize that it’s best not to argue too much with a right-wing martial arts expert, but if given a choice between Thomas Jefferson and Chuck Norris on the question of presidential qualifications, it’s not a tough call.

Second, as PZ Myers noted, Norris went on to endorse one candidate “who personifies wisdom and Christian values.” Care to guess who it is?

Newt Gingrich.

[The Founding Fathers] call us to appoint godly men and women.

As a guest host on Fox’s ”Hannity & Colmes” a couple weeks ago, I made known my desire for Newt Gingrich to run for president, a prospect WND reported on a few years ago. […]

In an age where the left are going right and the right going left, we need someone at the helm of our country who holds to old-fashioned values but can still lead into a bold new age. I believe Newt or someone like him could fit the bill.

It’s a genuine shame when right-wing sites and parodies of right-wing sites are indistinguishable, isn’t it?

Having once spent six excruciating weeks rewriting a script for ol’ Chuck 20 years ago (moneymoneymoney I kept telling myself), this is actually the Chuckster at his more intelligent. He’s actually used words of more than one syllable (or his hired writer has).

I was seriously worried during that time that meeting with him would prove that his level of stupidity was catching.

The guy is proof positive of my long-held belief that the words “conservative” and “talent” cannot be mentioned together in the same universe, let alone the same sentence. (other than here)

  • That “Thomas Jefferson and Chuck Norris” could be mentioned in the same context, let alone the same page or sentence or phrase, speaks volumes about what’s gone wrong in this country in the last forty years or so.

  • I didn’t know this was Fun Day here at the Carpetbagger. Who says Conservatives aren’t funny?

    I wonder if Chuck’s lack of flexibility as a fighter was indicative of his lack of flexibility as a person?

  • Norris has as much right to offer his political opinions as George Clooney or Warren Beatty. And I have a right to disagree with him – simple.

  • I ask a serious question here because I know I’ll get a serious answer:

    If Chuck Norris gives himself a roundhouse kick to the head, is that like the unstoppable force striking the immovable object? Would the world simply end? Matter and anti-matter?

    It’s worth thinking about.

    On the site where the article is, there’s an ad (CB – you should think about this) promoting a book about guns for the fundy sect. It asks the question, and I quote: What would you do if armed terrorists broke into your church and starting attacking your friends with automatic weapons in the middle of a worship service?

    Another serious question that deserves serious consideration….

    Dale, you’re right, it is Fun Day at TCBR – awesome!

  • No, no, no, Chuck.

    No – the one candidate “who personifies wisdom and Christian values” will be whoever the fuck the GOP nominates.

    This has been another edition of Simple Answers to Simple Questions. (w/apologies to Atrios)

  • So, upChuck thinks God loves men who change wives as often as they change their tighty whiteys. Why am I not surprised that this chinless has-been can’t spot the irony of his own drivelings?

    I also wouldn’t be surprised to learn he did his own stunts and the application of one to many many break-away chairs to his paper thin cranium have damaged his brain.

  • The Gingrich camp must sleep soundly at night knowing they’ve got Chuck Norris in their corner.

    Meanwhile, back in the real world……. 😉

  • Yes, you do, Ari K.

    But Clooney and Beatty are unable to deliver a roundhouse kick to your melon where you’re sitting right now that will send you back to the Stone Age (er, sorry – the Old Testament days) while they’re writing another factually challenged piece of reich wingnut dreck.

    Chuck Norris can do that every morning while he’s being dressed for the day.

  • Dale’s right.

    Chuck Norris had to be joking. Newt Gingrich, yeah right.

    Conservatives can be funny from time to time. If you don’t believe it, try reading a Draft John Kyl 2008 or Draft Jeb Bush 2008 post at the Corner sometime.

  • sigh

    i think its really depressing that I (and probably most other commenters) guessed that it was Newt.

    wingnut is a mental defect, yessir

  • A serious commentator like Norris deserves to be taken seriously. That would be easier if his commentaries carried the byline “Dr. Carlos R. Norris, AKMF.”

  • The mental image of Thomas Jefferson and Chuck Norris going at it Red Dragon Style while “Kung Fu Fighting” amused me. Yes, Dale, it is Fun Day

    As sung to Kung Fu Fighting
    Chuck Norris was right wing writing
    Those words were not enlightning
    In fact it was a little bit frightning
    As he wrote it as history denying

    He was a funky Christer from funky Faux News Town
    He was chopping facts up and He was chopping facts down
    It’s an ancient ignorant art and everybody knew their part
    From a feint into a slip, and writing from the hip

    Chuck Norris was right wing writing
    Those words were not enlightning
    In fact it was a little bit frightning
    As he wrote it as history denying

    There was funky Chuck Norris and fat Newty G.
    Chuck said here comes Thomas J., lets get it on
    They took a bow and made a stand, started writing with the hand
    The minted wordsmith made me feel now we’re into a wild acid trip

    Chuck Norris was rigth wing writing
    Those words were not enlightning
    In fact it was a little bit frightning
    As he wrote it as history denying

    (repeat)..make sure you have history denying
    Right Wing writing, had to be dumb’n frightning

  • What an egomaniac. Take away the karate and this man has no talents. As Bruce Lee said “STFU Norris”. I guess he found another way to “get noticed…to get attention”. Just ignore treason and murder Chuck and do what you’re told. Why aren’t you in Iraq
    kicking ass or are you just waiting for the movie?

  • Gingrich sure personafies “traditional” values, like divorcing his wife on her hospital deathbed, so he could screw some 20 yr old.

  • I just love this: “government is a ‘divine appointment’.”

    Okay, then I guess elections must be some sort of insult to god? And what kind of incompetent divinity would “appoint” anyone but republicans? Oh, right. A republican divinity would do that.

  • This shows that not everyone in Hollywood is liberal. Only the intelligent actors/directors/producers are.

    “Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.”
    — John Stuart Mill

  • Chuck Norris’s utility as a political pundit is debatable, and his religious mania would appear to be a recent conversion judging from his earlier behavior – but his stunning performance in “Dodge Ball” ought to vindicate his right to pick the next president. Just as long as it isn’t a Republican. You go, Chuck.

  • Breaking News!

    The Washington Monthly is publishing an exclusive interview with Steven Segal where in the former action star endorses Strom Thurmond for Emperor of Jesusland! Apparently there is a rebuttle by Jean Claude Van Damme but his opinion is obviously unimportant due to his obvious Europeaness and potential to be an illegal immigrant.

    Isn’t one retarded cowboy Texan in national politics the maximum any free society can handle at one time?

  • For funny Wingnut crap, you really can’t beat the dorks at Newsbusters.

    Yesterday was the “where was nipplegate” day, as they vainly struggled to find librul bias on the football field. In between complaints of seeing phallic symbols whilst Prince played guitar, a nugget showed up on a thread about Tony Dungy’s homage to God.

    See halfway down the comments section, this from Tim Graham (He’s like important at Bozell’s outfit, someone who is supposed to produce serious wingnut work)…

    “If I were a network news producer, I might use the second clip and then do a story on that question. Does God have a favorite in the Super Bowl?”

    http://newsbusters.org/node/10619

    When you see stuff like this, you realize how scarily close Colbert gets to the truth.

  • Chuck Norris has two trains of thought: Dumb and Dumber

    Newt “I divorced my first wife on her deathbed and cheated on my second wife with my current wife” does not represent someone “who personifies wisdom and Christian values.”

  • You know, I’m not a constitutional scholar, but I play one on TV and I think God does appoint people to high political office, hence my belief that Hugh Heffner’s endorsed by The Guy Upstairs. How else can one explain his living in the closest thing to heaven on earth. He’d scare away the muslim terrorists because he’s already had the 72 virgins thing and Repubs would love him because he’s pro-business and is as loyal to women as Newt Gingrich.

    Hey Chuck, this game is fun, let’s play again tomorrow. And Chuck, I checked and this Rev. Foster guy wasn’t a framer of the Constitution so you may want to quote a more appropriate authority for your claims.

  • Perhaps CB could provide a minimal credential required in order for a person to be allowed to express an opinion.

  • Isn’t Newt the God fearing Christian who dumped the wife who supported him (financially) through his early career while she was in a hospital bed recovering from cancer surgury?

    Yes, I too was glad to hear that God chose the Colts over the Bears. I guess HE didn’t like the Jewish quarterback.

  • Nice work Dan, as usual.

    Yes, Homer, the chicks living with Hugh USED TO BE virgins. He does have standards after all 😉 And if he hasn’t had 72 I’d be amazed.

    Does anyone else get the vague sense that Newt is actually awaiting the Rapture, which he knows he’s not in on, and then expecting to be proclaimed the President of the United States during the Tribulations (USADTT)?

    Chuck, you is an idiot!

  • Aw, sheesh—Chuckles the Tumble-Boy is the Susan Lucci of the action-movie set. I didn’t like his movies, I didn’t watch his tee-vee programs (did he have one? I’m really not sure), and I don’t taske my political advice from him. He’s probably one of the few life-forms on the planet that could make Bush look good…aaaaaaaaaaaack…eeeeeeeeeewww………now I have to go wash my brain….

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