Deconstructing William Kristol

September 1, 2007

Guest Post by Morbo

It pains me to see the Carpetbagger get so upset over William Kristol’s inane columns in “The Weekly Standard.”

Poor CB can’t understand how Kristol can, in the face of all reality and objective evidence, continue to claim that George W. Bush is a successful president and one of the greatest leaders our nation has ever had.

Kristol’s claims defy logic. At this point, it is apparent even to people who have been paying only sporadic attention that Bush, once he leaves office, will join the ranks of James Buchanan, Franklin Pierce and Richard Nixon in the pantheon of loser presidents. About the only way Bush could sink any lower would be if he tried to put his horse in the Senate. The man is an arrogant, incompetent bullhead, and we’re all just hanging on until November of 2008.

So what’s going on with Kristol? Regular readers of this blog have chimed in with their own theories, the leading one being that Kristol is simply a partisan hack. Others have accused Kristol of engaging in the “Big Lie.” You know how that one works: just keep repeating your insane policy point over and over, and do it with conviction. People often start to believe it. The Big Lie is the entire basis for “creation science” and the “global-warming-is-a-crock” crowd, and we know the right wing has done well with it.

But that’s all too simple. We need to think outside the box. Today, therefore, I’d like to present some unconventional theories to explain the enigma that is William Kristol:

* Kristol fell out of a parallel universe. Parallel universes are a staple of science fiction. The idea is that there are, alongside our own universe, parallel planes of existence where things may look similar but are different in several significant ways. (Remember the “Star Trek” episode where Captain Kirk got trapped in one of these? Mr. Spock had a goatee!) Anyway, our William Kristol fell out of a parallel universe where Bush really does know what he’s doing, and the war in Iraq is going well. He’s probably as confused as we are about what the hell he’s doing here. (This possibility is undercut by one glaring fact: A competent Bush is too fantastic even for science fiction.)

* Kristol is some kind of conceptual art project. Avant garde artists — possibly Frenchmen in black turtlenecks and berets — created Kristol as a form of walking street theater and the world’s most bizarre modern art project. Who would do such a thing? Dadaists. If you’ve ever taken an art history course, you might recall the central premise of the Dadaists. Its proponents, horrified at the carnage of the first World War, sort of threw up their hands and called for an embrace of anarchy and irrationality. They did crazy stuff, like put a urinal in an art museum and claim it was an exhibit. They sought not just to subvert art but all of reality. Why not? It’s fun! Kristol is their most daring and successful project ever.

* Kristol embraces New Age philosophies. The New Age best-seller “The Secret” posits that a “Law of Attraction” exists that enables every one of us to shape our reality. Thus, if you want more money, you must simply think positive thoughts about having more money, and you will attract it. Conversely, if you persist in thinking negative thoughts, bad things will happen to you. Kristol is trying to use this law to create his own reality that the Bush administration is successful. Can you imagine him, sitting in the lotus position covered with magic crystals and surrounded by candles as he focuses all of his mental energy on making Bush great? I can, and I am frightened.

* Kristol is Alan Abel’s latest hoax. Americans love pranks. Recall the Cardiff Giant? How about the famous 1957 BBC “spaghetti harvest” hoax? Alan Abel is one of America’s most famous hoaxsters. He once launched a national organization that promoted putting clothes on animals. (It was marked by the memorable tagline, “A nude horse is a rude horse.”) It was a joke, but many people took it seriously. Abel has pulled off several successful hoaxes since then. Although Abel in 1979 hoaxed The New York Times and persuaded the paper to run his obituary, he is in fact still alive. Kristol is his latest creation, and we’ve all fallen for it — again!

These are just some ideas off the top of my head. I’m not saying I’ve found the definitive answer. But there must be some explanation. The alternative — that Kristol really is a huge hack and Bush toady who actually believes the nonsense he prints — is too simply too outrageous for any reasonable person to accept.

My take is that he’s simply an ass-hole.

  • I like a combination of two of Morbo’s explanations: Kristol is a partisan hack who embraces the New Age philosophy that if you believe it, it will come true. (This now-respectable philosophy is sometimes dismissed by the unenlightened as “wishful thinking.”)

    One small quibble, Morbo: Bush and Cheney aren’t due to leave office until January 20, 2009. We have to hang on until then, and I’m very worried about what they may do to us in the period after the election out of spite or desperation.

  • I hear someone burned Burning Man prematurely (premature incineration?). So if there’s an ounce of self-immolation in Kristol here’s his chance to be a stand-in.

  • If it weren’t for his famous father’s name, he’d have to get a real job. Even his kids won’t talk to him. Maybe he hasn’t asked them if they want fries with their bullshit.

  • phoebes said: My take is that he’s simply an ass-hole.

    Kristol is a neo-con, Israel-first, let’s-use-the-poor-and-uneducated-for-cannon-fodder, soulless asshole.

  • K een on himself
    R idiculous arguments to get his way
    I rritatingly smarmy when he speaks
    S poiled by a previous generation’s wealth
    T esting the waters always for more authoritarianism
    O bfuscation is his forte
    L ying is his agent

    I suppose Mr. K thinks himself an important cultural warrior (or is it a worrier). He is afraid his America may be turned over to common citizens who may not know how to properly treat someone of his station. Why, he is so lofty (at least in the canyons of his own mind) that I wonder why he hasn’t tried to reestablish the Federalist party of old. -Kevo

  • Dale, I was also curious about Kristol’s dad, so I did some light research.

    Irving Kristol is considered one of the founding fathers of neoconservatism. He seems to have the sort of personality who is drawn to extremes – he is a former Trotskyist, and he met Bill’s mother at a Trotskyist meeting in New York City in the early 1940’s.

    Irving is now 87 years old. He is still a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, where he can hang out with the likes of John Bolton and Paul Wolfowitz.

    So it looks like we can add another possible explanation for Bill Kristol’s bizarre behavior. He’s still trying to please Papa.

  • One thing many of these Kristol-types seem to have in common is the attitude that Israel is the ony important entity in the entire universe, and the rest of everything can go to hell.

  • Well, of course the world can be a challenging place for an ideologue, full of pesky, inconvenient facts that without constant vigilance, might challenge their absolute certainty of the universal truths of their ideology and cause uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. Ideologues therefore rely on an arsenal of defensive techniques such as fallacious arguments, filtration and other avoidance strategies to keep contradictory information from breaking through. When faced with a preponderance of news reports leading to a seemingly inescapable conclusion that some action, policy or circumstance their ideology favors is/would be an unmitigated disaster for the country, the right-wing ideologue simply writes it off as “liberal media bias.” They will seize upon any qualifying footnote, shred of good news or any bright spot whatsoever in the whole affair as representative of a vast body of similarly supportive material they are certain is being left unreported by the hostile media. They will therefore gravitate toward any news source that displays and actual bias in their own favor and regard these as rare and shining beacons of truth in an otherwise endless sea of disinformation.

    In Smirking Billy’s particular case, he’s actually the editor of one such right-wing beacon and as such, is no doubt constantly congratulated on his rareness and shininess by like-minded true believers — which in turn probably helps him to suffer the slings and arrows of people like ourselves with that much more stoutness of heart and firmness of resolve. But before anyone sprains a shoulder patting themself on the back, try substituting the words, “left-wing” for “right-wing” and “liberal” for “conservative” in the paragraph above and you may find the portrait that emerges more familiar that you might like to think. The fact is we all do the same things to a greater or lesser extent (hopefully a much lesser extent in this case). We all have our blind spots and none of us is completely above downgrading the occasional fact or trimming one just a skosh to fit our world view a little better. The main difference between a reasonable person and an ideologue is that a reasonable person tries to hold that sort of thing to a minimum, whereas an ideologue regards any such attempt as a sign of weakness and flawed character. But it’s still more a question of degree than a categorical difference. Kristol just represents one extreme along a wide continuum. He’s not so hard to understand.

  • The diatribe over William Kristol (a/k/a Billy Crystal) leaves me speechless, but not wordless. I wish he would go back to standup comedy rather than sitdown. He/she was fabulous in “Soap.” And his/her mcing of the Academy Awards was always right on target and unforgetable. So, bloggers, leave the rich guy alone. Let him/her lie in the California sun and ogle naked nuns. If I were he/she I would run as an independent write-in candidate to complete the late Idaho Senator Craig’s term. Then we would probably hear a lot of toilet jokes. Thanks for reading and the same to you! Alan Abel

  • Alan Abel:
    You are operating on a common misconception. William Kristol is NOT aka Billy Crystal.

    WK is a political hack.
    BC is an accomplished actor/producer/director.

    Just thought you should know.
    Besides, given the current political views coming out of Hollywood, I find it hard to believe that any actor would give up their posh existence there, to move into the realm of politics. There simply is not enough money in it.

    Blessed Be!

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