Posted by Morbo
It’s not every day that you hear a staffer from the Heritage Foundation on CNN demanding more government regulation of industry. Yet that is exactly what Rebecca Hagelin did recently. Appearing on Aaron Brown’s nightly newscast, Hagelin, no less than a vice president at Heritage, insisted that the Federal Communications Commission must crack down on lewd TV.
Hagelin and about 90,000 other right wingers were deeply upset over a risque skit that was aired before “Monday Night Football” on ABC. An actress from the series “Desperate Housewives” apparently did something naughty, and now the virtues police are up in arms. (You mean they use babes to promote football? What’s next — buxom chicks in beer ads?!?)
The irony is rich. Rebecca, honey, let me fill you in on something: You and your buddies at Heritage worship at the First Church of the Free Market. Whenever you are trying to abolish the minimum wage, sink a health-care plan, shred the social safety net, let industry polluters get off scot free, abolish corporate taxes or defund Head Start, all we hear out of you is “free market this, free market that.” Well, television is the ultimate creature of the free market. If people like a show, advertisers place ads on it. The networks make money, and the companies that placed ads get more customers. Everybody goes home rich, bloated and happy. The market has decided. This is why a 30-second ad on “Desperate Housewives” costs $400,000. The market set that price. Were no one watching, you could buy 30 seconds for a song.
Right now, “Desperate Housewives” is one of the most popular programs on network television. Morbo is forced to admit that his own wife, Mrs. Morbo, is addicted to it. I’ve seen snippets of the program. Frankly, I find it to be sleazy and juvenile, and that’s why I vote with my feet and retreat upstairs with a book while she watches it.
The right-wing is going crazy about “Desperate Housewives.” Instead, they should just shut up. It’s their worship of the free market that brought it to us. The bottom line is that the show is making money, and that means it’s not going anywhere soon.
The fact is, you can find decent stuff on TV if you want. There’s an entire network devoted to thoughtful and intelligent programming. It’s called PBS — and the right wing constantly tries to shut it down. The American viewing public could have “Brideshead Revisted”; they’ve chosen “Desperate Housewives” instead. The free market has decided.
I know you’re upset, Rebecca. I know you want the FCC to come in and make our viewing choices for us. But you need to back off. Frankly, I’m worried about you. One thing you absolutely cannot do in this country is mess with people’s TV. You can start unnecessary wars, you can destroy the economy and you can lie all day and night about your political opponents. Few will care. But if you take away “must-see TV,” you will be destroyed.
So what’s left for the Rebecca Hagelins of the world? There remains one thing: It is in itself a desperate solution, rarely used by Americans. Yet it remains. It’s a bold and audacious move; few have the guts to use it. You could call it a “nuclear option.” Somewhere on the television, usually on the front, there is a small button that disconnects the power source and immobilizes the set. It is known as the “off button.” Look for it, Rebecca. Find it. Use it. I have faith in you.