Guest Post by Morbo
One week later I’m still not sure what Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist was thinking when he flip-flopped on stem-cell research.
The conventional wisdom is that Frist wants to be president. This is not the way to achieve that goal. True, some people are praising Frist for his move — but those people are U.S. Sen. Arlen Specter and Democrats.
The Religious Right, meanwhile, is furious. “I’m brokenhearted,” Richard Land, president of the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, told The New York Times. James C. Dobson, the ayatollah of Colorado Springs, was even harsher, asserting in a statement that Frist now favors “the destruction of human life.”
Continued Dobson, “The media have already begun speculating that Sen. Frist’s announcement today is designed to improve his chances of winning the White House in 2008 should he choose to run. If that is the case, he has gravely miscalculated. To push for the expansion of this suspect and unethical science will be rightly seen by America’s values voters as the worst kind of betrayal — choosing politics over principle.”
William Donohue, head of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, a group to the right of Pope Benedict XVI, issued a press statement calling Frist “Dr. Duplicity” and asserting that he is “worse than [John] Kerry.”
But the unkindest cut had to have come from the Family Research Council, a Religious Right group with which Frist had enjoyed a warm relationship. The Times noted that the FRC’s website ran an “unflattering” photo of Frist on its website. (His hair is kind of messed up, he appears to need a shave and his mouth is open. It really is quite frightening. See it here. Send the kids off to their rooms first.)
FRC President Tony Perkins wrote, “The statement from someone who seeks the support of the pro-life community [and who once had Presidential aspirations] is very disappointing but not a surprise.”
Tom DeLay was so angry he crawled out of his spider hole and held a press conference with some of his creepy friends to denounce Frist. This is getting serious!
So what’s going on?
At first, I thought the same thing as Dobson, which is probably the first time in history that ever happened: Frist was moving to the center to make himself a more appealing candidate.
The problem is, this explanation just doesn’t make any sense. A Republican candidate does not move to the center in the pre-primary and primary phase of a campaign. They do the opposite: move to the right to nail down Religious Right support. They don’t start claiming to be moving to the center until after they’ve clinched the nomination.
New York Gov. George Pataki, for example, has been pro-choice his entire career. Now he suddenly vetoed a bill making an emergency contraception pill available without a prescription. It’s no secret Pataki plans to run in ’08, and he wants to suck up to the far right.
So what exactly is Frist up to? One theory, popular among devotees of the Free Republic site, is that Frist has been taken over by zombie vampires from outer space. But this theory also has its problems. Mainly, while the existence of zombie vampires from outer space is a given among Freepers, no solid evidence or clear photos have emerged to prove that they really do walk among us. It must be something else.
My theory is that Frist has decided not to run for president. He plans to finish out his term in the Senate and go back to Tennessee and practice medicine again. This announcement is his way of bowing out early and asserting a little independence. I mean, let’s face it: Frist is a medical doctor, which means he can read and write. He never really had a lot in common with the Religious Right.
If I’m right, an exciting opportunity awaits Frist in the world of medicine. It’s an opportunity to do unparalleled good for the American people, a chance to literally help millions of people. I can only hope Frist takes it.
Here’s my idea: At least 45 million Americans lack health care. Frist, as we learned during the Terri Schiavo fiasco, has the ability to diagnose people via videotape — even old videotapes.
This is an amazing gift that must be shared. We can only pray that Frist, like Superman, will use this power for the benefit of humankind.
Remember, many of those 45 million uninsured Americans have serious medical conditions that remain undiagnosed and untreated due to a lack of money to see a doctor. Here’s where Frist come in. For a modest fee, say $15 or $20, Frist will agree to look at videotapes, still photos, digital photos or even drawings of people. He can then diagnose them and prepare a treatment plan.
Modern technology means that Frist can diagnose people all over America via the Internet. In fact, the domain name diagnosemedrfrist.com is available. Registering that is the first step. Then all Dr. Frist has to do is get the word out and start accepting photos, tapes and drawings.
Imagine the good he could do! I can see people now, people with things on their necks that they’ve been worried about. One quick Polaroid and it’s off to the good doctor for a diagnosis. Feeling kind of worn down? Worried you might have “iron-poor blood”? One digital pic of you e-mailed to Dr. Frist (along with your credit card info) will prove if you really do or are just a hypochondriac.
Does little Johnny really have a stomach ache, or is he just trying to fake a day off from school? Dr. Frist has the answer! Tap in over webcam and find out for sure.
Let’s face it, most politicians leave public life and become high paid lobbyists. I guess the money is good, but does a job like that feed your soul? Lord knows Frist has never lifted a finger to help the uninsured by, say, opening up a dialogue on overhauling the nation’s dysfunctional health-care system. This is his chance to make amends.
Frist has the rare gift of remote diagnosis. Few doctors are so lucky to have that gift. I challenge him to use it for good, not evil.