Posted by Morbo
By now it should be obvious even to someone as thick as Focus on the Family founder Dr. James C. Dobson that President George W. Bush doesn’t intend to spend a lot of political capital pushing for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.
First, Bush dumped all over the idea in an interview with the Washington Post. But then, unchastised, Bush struck again on Tuesday, telling a group of conservative black leaders that passage of an amendment is not likely.
“The issue of Bush’s support for a constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage was raised by several participants at yesterday’s meeting, but Bush demurred, explaining that the issue is a non-starter in Congress — at least for now,” reported The Washington Post.
One participant, Robert Woodson, told The Post, “He was noncommittal on it because he’s got other priorities.”
Worse yet, the Bush betrayal comes at the worst possible time. Surely Bush must know that Dobson has his hands full fending off efforts by Dobson’s arch-nemesis, SpongeBob SquarePants, who constantly prowls about in his pineapple under the sea, thinking up new ways to lure America’s kids into the gay lifestyle. Yet Bush took this moment, when the Axis of Cartoon Evil — SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward — are at the height of their powers to back away from the most important moral issue in the history of the world. He casually walked away from an amendment that, as Dobson has stated, could literally save the entire world from destruction.
Dobson does not have a lot of hair to spare — have you seen his weird comb-over? But he must be pulling out what’s left. The Ayatollah of Colorado Springs is so mad he wrote a letter threatening to withhold support for Bush and the Republicans’ plan to abolish Social Security unless the president uses the bully pulpit to push the gay-marriage ban.
Poor Jimbo. Bush got his votes, and now he’s giving Dobson the big kiss off. “Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You’re really special, Jim, and I’ll always treasure the time we had together. You know what, it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve got your e-mail…of course I’ll write!”
Face it, Jim: You’re on a one-way express train to Dumpville. Bush used you, and now he plans to lose you. It’s time to do something dramatic. Yep, tell the GOP to get lost. You’ve threatened it before. You said you’d take your people and walk. Are you going to let them treat you like this? It’s time to start marching.
With that thought in mind, Morbo has been doing some research to find a new political home for Jim and his loyal followers. The good folks at Politics1.com (an informative, non-partisan site) have a comprehensive listing of American third parties. Let’s use it to consider some new homes for Jim:
Constitution Party: Formerly the U.S. Taxpayer’s Party, this collection of Christian fundamentalists, gun nuts, anti-abortion zealots, homophobes, immigrant bashers and others who think Tom DeLay is a pinko would seem a good home for Jim. The party has ballot access in many states and is now officially Christian, not just that wimpy “Judeo-Christian.” Its platform now reads, “the foundation of our political position and moving principle of our political activity is our full submission and unshakable faith in our Savior and Redeemer, our Lord Jesus Christ.” Really, what’s not to like? And Jim has a history with this party. Disgusted by the antics of the far-left, practically socialist Bob Dole in 1996, Dobson cast a protest vote for Constitution Party candidate Howard Phillips.
American Heritage Party: Here’s a party to warm Jim’s heart. It was founded by dissidents in Washington state who believed the Constitution Party was not conservative enough. (Apparently, the CP allows non-Christians to join and may even accept their votes. Yoikes!) The American Heritage Party describes itself as “a political party that adopts the Bible as its political textbook and is unashamed to be explicitly Christian … [and] whose principles are drawn from Scripture.” In other words, “Break out the stones, we got us a fornicating harlot!”
Constitutional Action Party: A Religious Right dream, this party, according to Politics1, wants to “abolish the federal income tax, ban all abortions, end Affirmative Action, impose protectionist trade tariffs, fight pornography and end federal involvement in education.” Downside: Party founder Frank Creel, who apparently needs to take a course in marketing, told Politics1 five years ago that the party “has had virtually no success since its 1995 founding. It has no local chapters anywhere, no candidates for office and no prospect of running a presidential candidate. There is little to no prospect that we will be able to hold a convention anytime soon….” Bummer. But on the positive side, the party has pretty much hit rock bottom. It has nowhere to go but up, and Jim may be the man to take it there.
Christian Falangist Party of America: This one is my personal favorite. An outgrowth of a political movement in Lebanon, the CFPA pulls no punches and knows exactly who it hates and does not hesitate to tell you. This party is so mean it’s almost refreshing. Politics1 describes the CFPA as “dedicated to fighting the ‘Forces of Darkness’ which seeks to destroy Western Christian Civilization.” The CFPA site, Politics1 tells us, “explicitly defines ‘Forces of Darkness’ as being ‘Radical Islam, Communism/Socialism, the New World Order, the New Age movement, Third Position/Neo-Nazis, Free Masons, Abortionists, Euthanasianists, Radical Homosexuals and Pornographers.'” The party’s website, Politics1 helpfully notes, contains “numerous attacks against Islam” (as well as questionable grammar), thus ensuring the support of Franklin Graham. Jim, the Lord himself could not have built a better party for you. OK, technically it is true that the original Falangists were fascists, but who remembers that today?
Family Values Party: Politics1 describes this baby as an “ultraconservative, theocratic party.” So far so good. Unfortunately, the party is in the hands of one man, a gentleman named Tom Wells. Wells explains that God personally ordered him to form the party. This occurred on Dec. 25, 1994, at 2 a.m. (Nice of God to take time off to do this on his birthday!) Unfortunately, God seems to have no idea what to do with the party now that his servant has formed it, and it has been spinning its wheels for 10 years. Jim may have to fight for this party — but it sure sounds worth it.
Prohibition Party: Yep, they’re still around. And it’s not just about stopping the flow of liquor any more by reinstating the obviously discredited national prohibition on alcohol that completely and utterly failed in the 1920s. That’s old school! Nowadays, the party has equally stupid and unrealistic ideas on a whole range of issues, promoting a general right-wing perspective across the board. So it’s no booze, no gays, no abortions, no short skirts, no French novels, no French postcards, no French anything period, etc. One problem: Last year the party became plagued with some type of internal squabble, and a rival faction formed and tried to run its own candidates. But, since the party is in disarray and weak (national vote total in 2000: 208 votes), Jim has the perfect opportunity to sweep in and take control.
Natural Law Party: Yes, they are Transcendental Meditation kooks, but do you think those robe-wearing yogis stand a chance against Jim, clothed in the full armor of God? He could swoop in, toss out the New Age mumbo jumbo, Christianize the whole shootin’ match and have himself a party that at its height had ballot status in 44 states. “Natural Law,” after all, was originally a Christian theological concept. Remember, that great theologian Clarence Thomas is a fan.
And if all else fails…
James Dobson Party: Jim does his own thing and creates a party answerable to one man and one man only: James C. Dobson. The party platform is simple: You do what Dobson says when he says, or else he cuts a switch off the nearest hickory tree and lays into you real good.
How about it, Jim? Isn’t it time you dared to discipline?