Guest Post by Morbo
As you know, Sen. [tag]Rick Santorum[/tag] (R-Pa.) announced this week that [tag]U.S.[/tag] troops found [tag]weapons of mass destruction[/tag] in [tag]Iraq[/tag]. As proof, Santorum cited portions of a previously [tag]classified[/tag] report that he was able to get [tag]declassified[/tag]. It noted that 500 [tag]chemical weapons[/tag] [tag]shells[/tag] have been found in Iraq since May of 2004.
Ultra-liberal naysayers, among them Defense Department staffers, immediately pointed out that the “weapons” found were old chemical shells predating the first [tag]Gulf[/tag] [tag]War[/tag] that were too old to be formidable.
But there’s more to the story. The rest of the report remains classified, but it details other weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. I managed to get a copy through my highly placed sources in [tag]Washington[/tag]. I may end up in Gitmo for this, but Americans deserve to know the truth! Iraq did indeed have [tag]WMD[/tag]s — plenty of them.
Not to steal Santorum’s thunder, but here is a list of the other horrifying [tag]weapons[/tag] found in Iraq:
* Rusty knife: Sure, you’re thinking, “That’s not so scary.” Let me tell you, you get stabbed with his puppy and it’s a one-way ticket to Lockjaw City for you.
* Reams of extremely thin bleached cellulose pulp derived mainly from wood: Commonly called “paper,” this material can, if handled recklessly, inflict deep, painful cuts. And tons of it are lying around all over the country!
* Death rays: Hundreds of these were found sealed in small, hand-held plastic tubes with on and off switches, powered by portable devices. So far, they only give off light, but clearly these are prototypes that, had we not invaded, could have been perfected and used to obliterate millions.
* Baseball bats: You’ve seen “The Untouchables”? ‘Nuff said.
* Kenny G CDs: A batch of these were apparently shipped over during the first Gulf War as goodwill gesture to familiarize Iraqis with American culture. They fell into the hands of [tag]Saddam Hussein[/tag], who immediately converted them into instruments of terror simply by opening the package.
* Gray Poupon: This Dijon mustard can easily be turned into mustard gas merely by adding the missing ingredient, gas.
* Sharp, pointy stick: You trip while carrying that thing and it’ll take your eye right out. Don’t believe me? Ask your mom.
* Self-published poetry: So you don’t think self-published poetry is a weapon of mass destruction? Go here: www.poetry.com. You’ll feel differently. (Warning: Site contains bad haiku.)
* A wooden tube filled with rocks and crystals propelled by a crude firing mechanism scraped together from stuff that just happened to be lying around: Captain Kirk used one of these to kill the Gorn, right? Right?
There’s more, but I’ve said enough. Just keep your eye on Sen. [tag]Santorum[/tag]. As Election Day approaches, I have a feeling he may announce more shocking finds.