Get a job, Mitt!

February 9, 2008

Guest Post by Morbo

Mitt Romney really doesn’t need a job. After all, I’m sure he still has plenty of money left over from his presidential run. Nevertheless, I hate the thought of Mitt sitting around with nothing to do. Therefore, I’d like to suggest some jobs he might want to look into:

TV game show host: Romney always reminded me of a poor man’s Bob Barker. Barker retired from “The Price Is Right” last year, and now Drew Carey is hosting the show. It’s not a good fit. Send Drew packing and get Mitt in there. Come on down, Mitt!

Circus ringmaster: Imagine Mitt in one of those long red coats circus ringmasters wear. Picture him with the top hat. Check this guy out. That could be Mitt, right?

Pitchman for teeth-whitening strips: Everyone loves teeth-whitening strips these days. And who better to sell them to you than a guy with dazzling white teeth? You know he’s been buying them by the case. I can see Mitt hosting an infomercial with some guy in a lab coat. Imagine an incredulous Mitt saying, “You mean I can get results like this in just half an hour?!”

Something to do with the Olympics: It seemed like bringing the Olympics to Salt Lake City was the highlight of Mitt’s life. He was always talking about it. Surely the Olympics people can find something for Mitt to do?

“Senior Policy Analyst” at the Heritage Foundation: Sure, it’s one of those goofy titles that doesn’t actually mean anything — but it sure impresses the rubes who watch Fox News Channel.

Co-owner of Rudy Giuliani’s drag cabaret: Rudy could dress as Marilyn Monroe. Mitt could dress as, well, maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. Mitt could tend bar. Oh, wait….

Door-to-door religious proselytizer guy: Mitt has experience with this one. Admit it, after hearing a line like, “Hi, it’s Mitt Romney, and I’ve got a free pamphlet explaining why Jesus and Satan aren’t brothers” you are going to open the door.

Handler of rats: His actual first name is “Willard,” right?

Actor: I can see Mitt doing well in several genres. In thrillers, he stars as an international super spy who looks dapper in his tuxedo and foils the terrorists without messing up a single hair. Put a sweater on him, and it’s romantic comedy time as Mitt falls in love with just one wife for life. Science fiction: Mitt portrays the leader of a terrifying clone army that infiltrates society in a “Stepford Husbands” send up.

Owner of a dry cleaning establishment: Let’s face it, the guy’s very good at handling empty suits.

Mitt, we hardly knew ye. Actually, we knew ye all too well, and we don’t like ye. But we want ye to get a job. I hereby open the floor to other suggestions.

How about: “Freedom may require religon, but a great smile only requires Crest white strips!”

  • Romney always reminded me of a poor man’s Bob Barker. Barker retired from “The Price Is Right” last year, and now Drew Carey is hosting the show. It’s not a good fit. Send Drew packing and get Mitt in there. Come on down, Mitt!

    How about Eddie Haskell turned age 60?

  • Live mannequin? Beverley Hills pet cemetery plot salesman? Subject of secret CPAC cloning project (imagine thousands, no millions of Mitts!)? Welcoming host of one of those reali estate deals in which you get a free trip if you can survive 8 hours of the pitch?

  • ***Door-to-door religious proselytizer guy***

    Morbo. Stop that. You’re scaring my children. We spent all of November, December, and the first half of January putting up with a matched set of Mormon “missionaries” coming around to the house, stopping us on the sidewalk, and “inadvertently” bumping into us at the library, the grocer’s—even at the local bookstore, for crying out loud—pushing “their” message. They finally stopped coming around when the writing began to appear on the wall for Mittens.

    I do not want a repeat. Send Mittens far, far away to do missionary stuff.

    I hear there’s no “anti-Mormon sentiment” on the moon. Put him into the Iranian space program. Please!

  • It wasn’t “bringing the Olympics to Salt Lake City”, it was fixing the Olympic debacle once they were there. Remember that Olympics broke up the story on the bribing of officials to get Olympics. Romney was the turnaround guy on that job, not the briber.

  • LOL Morbo.

    Mitt will spend the next four years in an unheated cabin somewhere in the Urkraine chopping wood, hefting logs and running the hills getting his heart pure and his body strong to be ready for the next Presidential run. It’s Mitt Balboa.

  • Hey! I was a “senior policy analyst,” and it did mean something. More than rubes were impressed. But I left that job so I could focus full time on achieving my dream title of “guest blogger.”

  • It’s my best laugh so far today, Morbo. But you saved the best for first – Mitt is a game show host. Either that, or cast as Ted Baxter in the remake of the old Mary Tyler Moore show.

  • oh, you’re on to something with the teeth whitening shtick. i’m thinking late night info-mercials. probably in a nice sweater. he reads off teleprompter: “it would be almost impossible to track down so many records of all your favourite old artists. now, for the first ever in one collection…”

  • Walmart greeter (good looks, and can fake almost enough sincerity for the job).

    Acting career, starring in remakes of old Ronald Reagan movies.

    Emcee at Osmond Family reunion concerts.

    Fox news anchor.

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