Guest Post by Morbo
This week, I was given a top-secret Republican Party strategy document by a highly placed source who must remain unnamed. This is the GOP plan to get the Bush presidency back on track and help the Republicans sweep November’s elections. As usual, it is bold and visionary. It lays out the problems facing America today and offers specific, creative solutions.
I knew you would want to see it. Here are some excerpts.
Problem: High gas prices
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: If people have more money, they will be able to afford the high cost of gas.
Problem: Chaos in Iraq
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Iraqis living in America will send the money they get from their tax cut home, thus boosting the Iraqi economy and ending the violence.
Problem: Nukes in Iran
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Iranians living in America will send the money they get from their tax cut home, thus boosting the Iranian economy and ending the need to threaten with nukes.
Problem: Same-sex marriage
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Gays will be so busy buying things with their tax cut money that they won’t have time to get married.
Problem: Gulf Coast still vulnerable to hurricanes
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: People can use their tax cut money to fortify their homes or just move away.
Problem: 45 million Americans without health care
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: People can use their tax cut money to see a doctor.
Problem: Annoying youth fashions
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Parents can use the tax cut money to buy their kids some normal clothes.
Problem: Global warming
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Tax cut money can be used to buy air conditioners and invest in desert property, soon to be beachfront.
Problem: Teens having sex
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Kids have sex because they are bored. If their parents have more money to give them, young people will go to the movies more often.
Problem: Annoying “muzak” in grocery stores
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Americans can use tax cut money to buy iPods and hear the music they want.
Problem: Abortion still legal
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: With more money in their pockets, people will stop aborting their children.
Problem: Not enough tax cuts
Solution: Tax cut
Rationale: Everyone likes tax cuts. Tax cuts are fun. We need more tax cuts…sweet, delicious tax cuts…ohhhh….
That’s it in a nutshell. I should point out that the plan also includes some new tax cuts.