Ho, Ho, Ho! We’re a bunch of cranks!

November 25, 2006

Guest Post by Morbo

Like intestinal flu, head colds and raging sore throats, offensive netlore just keeps making the rounds. Someone sent me an e-mail recently that I assume was cooked up by some fundamentalist Christian somewhere who thinks he’s clever. It concerns sending Christmas cards to the American Civil Liberties Union. Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

This is a great idea — PASS IT ON. Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early (really early) so that you can get ready to include an important address to your list. Read on……. What a GREAT idea! Fun with the ACLU…… Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year. As they are working so very hard to get rid of the “CHRISTMAS” part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.

The ACLU is not working hard to get rid of Christmas. They simply urge government to refrain from promoting religious holidays or religion generally. They have this crazy idea that maybe houses of worship ought to do that.

As for their “dark, sad little world,” all I can say is that I know some people who work at the ACLU, and they are a hell of a lot more fun than any fundamentalist I’ve ever encountered. Remember H.L. Mencken’s definition of a Puritan? “A Puritan is someone who is desperately afraid that, somewhere, someone might be having a good time.”

Make sure it says “Merry Christmas” on it…….

Yep, just like showing a cross to a vampire, even seeing the words “Merry Christmas” will cause an ACLU staffer to run screaming in terror — even the Christians who work there.

Here’s the Address, just don’t be rude or crude. (It’s Not the Christian Way, you know!) ACLU 125 Broad Street 18th Floor New York, NY 10004

How much do you want to bet half of the cards that come in are covered with obscenities?

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn’t know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that There is no such thing as a “Holiday Tree”. . . . It’s a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!

Dream on. Groups like the ACLU get hate mail every day — and they’ve certainly been the target of mass-mail campaigns before. Do you chowderheads really believe you can “freeze” their operations by convincing Aunt Maud to mail off a Christmas card?

And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!!!!

Actually, the ACLU and other groups thrive on this kind of thing. Your overreaction and hysterical plans to bury them in Christmas cards prove only one thing: The group has really got your goat. You are obsessed with the ACLU. You can’t even enjoy your eggnog you’re so mad. Once again, that evil ACLU has ruined your holiday, along with that damn clerk at K-Mart who had the temerity to say, “Happy Holidays” to you instead of the religiously correct greeting of “Merry Christmas.” You are so mad you are actually sending crank mail to a national organization. What’s next — you mail top scientists at leading universities your design for a perpetual motion machine?

Yes, the ACLU — by dint of its very existence — has made you a nutcase. You are engaging in behavior worthy of preteens. Why not make some crank calls while you’re at it? Call the ACLU up on the phone and ask if their refrigerators are running, or if they have Prince Albert in a can.

A final thought for all those holier-than-thou right-wing Christians upset over the so-called “war on Christmas”: You know who ruined your holiday? You did. You took the birthday of a man you believe to be the prince of peace and turned it into a commercial orgy of greed. You allowed the business community to run the show, and they, ever mindful of profits, sent Jesus packing because sectarian division is never good for the bottom line. The ACLU didn’t kill Christmas — big business did.

You want Christmas back — the full-blown thing with creches, and “O Come All Ye Faithful” and midnight mass? Then what on earth are you doing at the mall or down at City Hall, you horse’s behind? Go to church for that stuff. They excel at it and will give you all the religion you want.

Here’s another tip for keeping Christ in Christmas: Spend less money and focus on serving others. A MasterCard bill that takes you six months to pay off does not honor the founder of your faith. Want to do something to truly honor Jesus and the spirit of Christmas? Then stop wasting your time sending kook mail to the ACLU and get yourself down to the local soup kitchen or food pantry. They could use your help, and I guarantee you volunteering there will get you in touch with the Christmas spirit faster than hearing “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” wafting over the sound system at Kohl’s.

In short, to the Religious Right I say: Merry friggin’ Christmas! Are you happy? Good. Now please go home and grow up.

November 25, 2006 at 9:20 am

What would be funny is if the ACLU had a form thank you letter or Christmas-themed card (no Santas, snowmen or reindeer) to send right back with a big ole “Merry Christmas” right up top and in big letters. Can you imagine the looks on their faces when they got that back.

With, of course, a membership application;>

I have never understood what anyone finds offensive, let alone evil, about civil liberties, or those who sacrifice in order to protect and strengthen civil liberties, for all of us. What are they afraid of?

Knowing the bidniz proclivities of some of the more demented members of the fundie Christian crusaders (I see you Pat Robertson), I would not be surprised if the guy who started this either had
1) Stock in Hallmark
2) Owned a card store

“You took the birthday of a man you believe to be the prince of peace and turned it into a commercial orgy of greed. You allowed the business community to run the show, and they, ever mindful of profits, sent Jesus packing because sectarian division is never good for the bottom line. The ACLU didn’t kill Christmas — big business did.”

Uh, Amen, brother. Home electronics sales are what make Baby Jesus cry.

The ironic thing is that the ACLU probably appreciates people engaging in this type of behavior because it represents the exercise of one of our most fundamental liberties: free speech.

It will really get these people’s goad when the ACLU takes on a case to defend a christian against some type of government action limiting the private expression of christmas cheer. I can’t wait for that day to come.

Great commentary Morbo. This “plot” is the saddest thing I’ve seen in a long time. So sad I’d give good odds that Former Dan is right.

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn’t know if any were regular mail containing contributions.

Hmmm. Malicious use of the USPS. That wouldn’t be a federal crime or anything would it? Nah, we’re Christians, the rules don’t apply to us.

Also tell them that There is no such thing as a “Holiday Tree”. . . . It’s a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!

Wrong, o botanically ignorant one, it is a pine tree, even when it’s in your house.

I love the way the genius who came up with this idea can’t decide exactly what his followers should do. Send them a card. No, a Christmas card. A Christiany Christmas card. Oh, and don’t be rude (rude is not the Christian way, but trying to shut down an organization’s mail center is). And mention the Christmas tree. And…um…TP their headquarters. With toilet paper bearing images of Jesus…

Yes, and be sure to spread the message of mayhem in a way that will be sure to reach the ACLU. Not only must the ACLU get these e-mails but does anyone really think they’ll open any thing that doesn’t bear a return address? Never mind the Secular Humanist WaC, time to begin the Christian WaT (war against trees)!

Kee-rist, are we sure this isn’t a spoof? I mean, I’ve seen stupid antics from the Evans. but this takes the fucking cake.

Sending Christmas cards to shut-ins, hospital patients, and inmates would seem a much healthier thing to do.

Yep, just like showing a cross to a vampire, even seeing the words “Merry Christmas” will cause an ACLU staffer to run screaming in terror
and:
How much do you want to bet half of the cards that come in are covered with obscenities? — Morbo

Reminds me of a joke:
Two Irish nuns had been to Rome to see the Holy Father and are driving back. Suddenly, an ugly, naked, little imp lands on their windshield, grabs the wipers and grins lewdly at them.
Both nuns cross themselves and say “apage satanas”, but the imp only grins wider and sticks its tongue at them.

“You know that holy water we put in the car?” says the Passenger Nun “sprinkle it on him and then wipe it off”. So the Driver Nun does. The imp sizzles a bit, then goes swish–swish with the wipers but holds on and keeps grinning. What now?
“Show him your cross” says the Driver Nun.
So the Passenger Nun rolls down her the window, leans out and yells:
“Get the eff of our windshield, you slimy little mother f…r!”

Further proof there are two kinds of furless biped loose on the planet: Homo sapiens and Homo sap. These people never cease to amaze me with their pathetic stupidity.

Well, good for the Fundies. They’ll go out, spend millions of dollars on cards, envelopes, and stamps(that could have ben spent on those in need), and further cripple the US Postal Service. Millions of American families will not get their Christmas presents on time, because mail deliveries will bog down. People all over these United States will receive Christmas cards the week after Christmas—all because some bizarro-brained, Reichster whacko twit thinks it’s funny to bog down the mail.

This, in turn will make a lot of American children unhappy. These children will all grow up to become liberal extremists. Tens of millions of liberal extremists. The type of liberal extremists that make Ted Kennedy look like Barry Goldwater.

Yeah—THAT kind of liberal extremist. All because some guy who’s crying in his bowl of puffed wheat thinks it’s cute to invent a truly malicious stunt, and try to shut down the ACLU. *Here’s a hint—those “cards” can be shucked, plucked, and tossed in the shredder bin at the rate of about 20 per minute, per person. That’s 1,200 per hour, per person. So if the dimwits want to spend a couple thousand dollars for the sole purpose of tying down one person at the ACLU, for one measly hour, then by all means—let them have at it. I can volunteer a single Sunday of my time and cost the Fundie effort $20,000.00.

“Dear ACLU, Have some of that mail forwarded to my house. I’ll sort it for free.”

CHECKMATE, you Fundie morons….

Kee-rist, are we sure this isn’t a spoof? I mean, I’ve seen stupid antics from the Evans. but this takes the fucking cake.
Comment by The Answer is Orange – Returns

Ya know, God didn’t make Adam and Evan.

Great point! The ACLU (started to type UCLA) is like a lazy susan, wait long enough and it will present something you like. Still I bet its donations vary with the latest high-profile case they take on. Some people are unclear on the concept that ALL rights are important.

“Show him your cross.”
Comment by Libra

LOL Love it!

Sending Christmas cards to shut-ins, hospital patients, and inmates would seem a much healthier thing to do.
Comment by ml

Yes, so many betters uses for misguided money.

*667 Neighbor of the Beast

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the “CHRISTMAS” part of this holiday

Just curious – did they actually mention any current legal cases or disputes or other means by which the ACLU is working “so very hard” at – or was this just a generalized demonization based on…uhhh… nothing?

I’m an atheist, but we happily do the whole Xmas holiday thing at our house. And why not? The actual amount of christian content in the average american household’s Christmas would fit in a thimble.

Evergreen trees and holly leaves? Late December? Not christian at all; these things are holdovers from pre-christian yule celebrations. Massive gift-giving? Also nothing to do with christianity – this comes from retailers pushing a seasonal holiday to create sales. Even the basic story of a deity’s virgin birth in a manger is probably borrowed.

This is why I snigger at the whole christianist notion of Christmas Under Assault. Mutliple levels of concentrated idiocy.

And after it’s all over can the ACLU sell the cards to a company for recycling and make some cash in the process?

Geez, you guys must not have many Evan family/friends. I’ve been getting this since Sept. Here’s how I respond…

This is not true. For more information, follow the link here:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/christmas/aclucards.asp

The ACLU is truly a friend to all. Follow the link here to find out more:
http://www.aclu.org/religion/index.html

I have no idea if they actually follow through and read the information sent to them, but it does get me off their lists in the future.

This level of ignorance is astonishing. They have no clue what civil liberties are. They have no idea what the ACLU does. The “War on Christmas” exists only in their minds. Even if it were real, it would have nothing to do with the ACLU.

In short, to the Religious Right I say: Merry friggin’ Christmas! Are you happy? Good. Now please go home and grow up.

I think I have a better idea: let’s wish every one of our overtly pious and oh-so-holier-than-thou Christianist friends a hale and hearty Happy Holidays! and then stand back and watch their heads explode.

Heh.

…let’s wish every one of our overtly pious and oh-so-holier-than-thou Christianist friends a hale and hearty Happy Holidays! and then stand back and watch their heads explode.

Nice. I’d suggest the occasional Feliz Navidad. That will finish off the “Make English ‘Muricuhs ‘Ficial Language Even Though We Cain’t Speak it Worth a Durn” crowd. And Joyeuse Noel for those who still hold a grudge against France.

Now I must clean my monitor because of a cross nun.

Leave it to the fundies to take a religious holiday that (in their view) has been overly diluted by multiculturalism, and rather than making an extra effort to re-infuse the holiday with what they believe is the right spirit, instead they TURN IT INTO A WEAPON in their campaign of hate.

Way to go, “Christians”.

You know, I used to always make sure that my cards had a religious theme. No more.

In the immortal words of PJ O’Rourke:

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

A good post, morbo.

I would just add:

Don’t volunteer at your neighborhood soup-kitchen. Instead, if you’re in the food business, donate food. (Call first to find out what’s most needed, and where.) Otherwise, donate cash.

Most people served at food kitchens are unemployed. Accepting charity is humiliating, but the edge can be taken off the shame if recipients can pitch in and help with the work at the kitchen, before sitting down to their own meals. There will always be more volunteers among recipients, than there is work to go around.

Don’t take away some poor person’s opportunity to feel a little better about him- or herself during the holidays by helping cook or serve, just because you want to feel good about *your*self.

I know it’s nice to have an “experience”; but the true test of an open heart is how wide you open your wallet.

I know–I have been there.

Note: December 25th was actually a Roman Pagan Orgy Feast. The Christians wanted it abolished so decided to make it the day they would celebrate Jesus’ birth. It is widely believed that Jesus (if he actually existed) was born in April.

So so put that as a footnote in your idea of the year cards !!!

Thanks for writing about this! I work for the ACLU of PA, and we find this whole campaign amusing. We try to send thank you letters back to people who send us cards, but most of the time they don’t include their return address. 🙂

If only we could convince these people that the ACLU hates $20 bills because of the “In God We Trust” part – maybe we could get them to start a campaign to send us those, too….

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