Guest Post by Morbo
World-famous evangelist Billy Graham is 88 years old, nearly blind and mentally infirm. His family knows he will die soon, and his children face a dilemma so common to Americans with aging parents: Should we bury dad on property he always loved or make his grave the centerpiece of a bizarre tourist trap featuring a robotic cow?
I know what you’re thinking: “Morbo, you’ve been taken in by a story from The Onion!” But no, this is real. You can read all about it in The Washington Post.
Graham’s two sons, Ned and Franklin, are arguing over where Billy should be buried. Ned, who has devoted years to caring for Graham and his frail wife, advocates a gravesite in some mountains near Charlotte, N.C., where the family lived for many years.
Pushing for the freak-show option is Franklin. You may be familiar with Franklin. A few years ago, he took over the entire Billy Graham evangelistic empire. He is a right-wing, Muslim-bashing nut with the requisite big hair, loud voice and shiny suits. He can wave a Bible and call you a sinner with the best of them.
Franklin owns a large barn in Charlotte that he is converting into a tourist attraction. You enter through a door shaped like a cross and are guided to exhibits about Graham’s life. Franklin calls the place a library, but this is an odd term to use as the structure contains no books. But Franklin has big plans. As The Post reported:
The 40,000-square-foot structure has a high-pitched roof supported by unfinished wooden beams, and bathroom stalls of corrugated tin. The tour is geared particularly to children, according to Franklin, starting with the life-size mechanical Holstein named Bessie who greets visitors from her stall just inside the front door.
What Bessie will say is yet to be decided, Franklin said, but she might start off with something like, “Hello. I bet you didn’t know milk comes from a cow. Well, let me tell you about that.” She’ll then introduce the main man: “When Billy was young, we cows knew there was something special about him. . . .” Bessie will challenge youngsters to count how many times during the tour they hear the voice of “Billy Frank” mention Jesus. For their efforts, they’ll be offered a glass of milk at the snack stand, where cookies and other items will be on sale.
Once again, I swear this is not from The Onion.
Naturally an attraction like this would not be complete without Billy’s gravesite right on the premises. And who wouldn’t want to be buried in such a classy joint?
Why would Franklin want to put his dad in such a tacky place for all eternity? Pardon my cynicism, but I don’t buy Franklin’s claim that the barn is intended to evangelize children. I think he has another goal in mind: to line his pockets. As The Post noted, visitors to the facility are implored not just to accept Jesus but make a big donation and add their names to a mailing (read: suckers) list. Franklin needs the gravesite to suck in the pilgrim trade.
I’ll be honest: I’m not a Billy Graham fan. He always claimed to be non-partisan, but in fact he was a Republican hack who offered advice and encouragement to Richard Nixon during those dark days. His preaching consisted of the usual anti-intellectual, science-is-bad, modernism-is-bad fundamentalist claptrap. His preaching over the years served mainly to turn people into zombies. Franklin is even worse.
But simple decency compels us to stand up for old folks like Billy Graham who can no longer make decisions for themselves. This is a no-brainer. Franklin is a money-grubbing modern-day Elmer Gantry who wants to use the gravesite to lure visitors to a tacky roadside attraction. I’m surprised he did not suggest putting Billy under glass a la Lenin or perhaps mummifying him and taking the corpse on the carnival circuit, allowing visitors to touch his dad’s remains for 50 cents. (This latter option somehow seems fitting. After all, Billy Graham started out preaching in tents.)
Although I’m not a Billy Graham fan, I acknowledge that millions of people respect and love the man. Franklin is trying to turn the man they admire into the draw for an off ramp experience along the lines of Wall Drug or South of the Border. I have a better idea: Let Billy go out with a little dignity. A family plot among the mountains he loved sounds more appropriate.