In case of candidate withdrawal, break glass

December 17, 2005

Guest Post by Morbo

Now that it looks like Jeannie Pirro’s Senate campaign against Hillary Clinton has collapsed, New York Republicans need a new candidate. I have just two words for them: Alan Keyes.

It’s the perfect solution. Empire State Republicans need a candidate. Keyes, who except for a brief stint as a talk-show host on MSNBC hasn’t had a real job since he was ambassador to wherever he was ambassador to, needs something to do. It’s a match made in Heaven — or perhaps Hell.

I see this as the start of an exciting new career for Alan. After he loses in New York, he can roam the country, running for office wherever the GOP can’t get a candidate. Let’s face it, despite the prestige and power of public office, it is sometimes difficult to persuade people to run. That will no longer be a problem with Alan on the scene. Let’s say the Republicans can’t find anyone willing to stand for prothonotary in Erie County, Pa. — Alan Keyes to the rescue. (Note to Alan: This is just a hypothetical example. The Republicans may in fact have an excellent candidate for prothonotary in Erie County, Pa. Please do not start running yet.)

There are many benefits to having Alan Keyes in a race. Number one, no one knows how to shake things up like Alan. Many state and local races are boring and revolve around issues like property tax assessments, zoning and the construction of new sidewalks. Yawn! When Alan blows into town with his latest theories of takeovers by the gay mafia, everyone’s going to sit up and take notice.

Secondly, many young children have never seen a certifiably insane person before. Alan could visit the local schools; it would be very educational.

Finally, Alan provides good copy for local journalists who are probably tired of covering things like house fires, auto accidents and the latest meeting of the water and sewer authority.

I say we draft him. Does anyone know if KeyesforSenate.com is still available?

The exciting trick would be to see if Keyes could run in more than one state at one time. The GOP can’t find candidates to take on Feinstein in Calif or Byrd in WV, so why not just put Keyes on the ballot everywhere? I think he’d like the attention.

  • I think it’d be cool as hell for someone to say they’d been beat in congressional races in 50 different states. Go to it, Keyes!

  • Morbo

    Thank you for the huge laugh you gave me. I was in Illinois while the campaign for Ryan went bad and Keyes was selected. Another huge laugh when I remembered that Mike Ditka was contacted to run against Obama. Seriously. That would have been a debate to remember.

  • Keyes was never an Ambassador to anywhere, are you mad? He had some short-term bullshit job at the UN which carried that title for some reason, and he still uses it.

    But I agree he would make a great senatorial candidate in New York.

  • Yeah, y’all got a point. You’d think we repubs would have figured this “roving candidate” crap out after watching Jesse Jackson, the DNC party paratrooper, do the same kinda thing for the last twenty years. Touche.

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