Guest Post by Morbo
Those sneaky left-wingers have figured out yet another way to attack Christmas! Get this: Instead of taking children to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap, more and more parents are arranging to have a faux Santa call their kids on the phone.
Details of this new anti-Christmas plot were recently exposed in The New York Times — naturally. Seems upscale limousine liberals can’t find the time to take the little tykes to the mall, so they get Santa’s digits and call him on a jolly old cell phone. Reported The Times:
It used to be that the holiday-season ritual of talking to Santa most always meant a trip to the mall. But parents are now turning increasingly to commercial services that provide phone calls from a Santa who knows not only what is on the child’s wish list but also the names of siblings, friends and teachers, favorite vacation spots and what was under the tree last year.
Commercial services?!? The left is trying to commercialize Christmas. Good God, have they no shame? What will they do next — point out that nearly every familiar Christmas tradition has roots in classical paganism?
Look, everyone knows that sitting on Santa’s lap and feeling his stale, perhaps slightly alcohol-tinged, breath on your skinny little neck is part of our sacred holiday traditions. It goes back to the time of Jesus! The wise men were an awful lot like Santa Claus, after all. And now the left wing is trying to take that away from us and replace it with a phone call from some guy in Hoboken who, get this, might not even be wearing a red suit!
Don’t think this isn’t having an effect.
The Times reported that “the number of children visiting Santa at the average mall had dropped to 6,000 by 2003, from 10,100 just two years earlier.” This means that within a few years, no one will be visiting Santa anywhere.
Yikes! Don’t you see what’s going on here? The left is trying to destroy Santa Claus all together by hitting him where he’s most vulnerable — at his tinsel-strewn “Kingdom” at the mall. They want thousands of elves to be out of work.
This time the left has gone too far. Santa needs a champion, and I’ve got just the man: Bill O’Reilly. Drop O’Reilly a line and urge him to get on the case. It’s probably too late to fend off this latest anti-Christmas assault this year, but, considering that the religious right started whining about the “war on Christmas” two weeks before Halloween, there is no reason O’Reilly, John Gibson, Jerry Falwell et al can’t start the 2006 “save Christmas” campaign on Jan. 1. Why can’t every day be Christmas?