Guest Post by Morbo
Every now and then you read something in the paper that just causes your head to explode. I had one of those moments recently while reading a Washington Post story headlined, “U.S. Lowers Sights On What Can Be Achieved In Iraq.”
The second paragraph of this story by reporters Robin Wright and Ellen Knickmeyer reads:
The United States no longer expects to see a model new democracy, a self-supporting oil industry or a society in which the majority of people are free from serious security or economic challenges, U.S. officials say.
I wanted to hurl my toast across the room. In other words, after more than two years of war, billions of dollars and countless lives, Iraq is going to be like it was under Saddam Hussein — except without a self-sustaining oil industry.
We were told we had to invade Iraq because the country had “weapons of mass destruction.” None were found. Then we were told we invaded Iraq to bring democracy to the country, a democracy that would serve as an example to the region. Scratch that. We were also told we invaded to bring the people there a better, more secure life. Toss that too. And you know that claim about women getting a better shake in the Middle East because of the new Iraq? We’ve ditched that as well. Religious fanatics are already taking over. Many barbers, fearing assassination, no longer shave beards. Alcohol sales have been banned at Baghdad’s airport. An aide to Iraq’s transportation minister stated bluntly, “We are an Islamic country.”
To sum up: We invaded, killed hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, lost 1,800 soldiers (and climbing), generated unprecedented ill will in the region, gave terrorists new bases of operation and created an anarchistic state ruled by chaos where insurgents regularly blow up U.S. soldiers and innocent children, a state that will soon become another fundamentalist Islamic theocracy. Mission accomplished!
For a long time, the American people yawned while the gang that engineered this debacle remained in power. No one was impeached, and the American people did not take to the streets.
But that may be changing. Ominous clouds have been spotted on the border of Dubyaland. The president’s approval ratings have tanked, and polls show the public has turned decisively against the war. The parents of dead soldiers are starting to speak out, as are some returning soldiers.
No, the news is not good. The administration desperately needs a rationale for the war so dumbed down, so simplistic that anyone can grasp it. Bush and Co. need a rationale that sets the bar so low a legless ant could hop right over it.
Thus, as a free public service, I am presenting the administration with 10 reasons why we had to invade Iraq. Note that all are simple and set the bar low. The administration, which has never hesitated to rewrite recent history, should immediately adopt one of these are the reason we went to war and stick to it 24/7. Don’t worry about the compliant media, they won’t make a fuss by daring to point out that this new rationale conflicts with previous statements. Presto! No more nasty failure stories in the papers.
So, with apologies to David Letterman, I’d like to present Top Ten New Reasons Why We Went to War In Iraq:
1. We did it for the children. Won’t someone please think of the children?
2. Those people were living like animals. Most of them had never even seen “reality TV.”
3. We looked at a random sample of city hall buildings in Iraqi towns. There were NO Ten Commandments displays.
4. An American woman was over there. Some Iraqi guys said really rude things to her. Are you going to let those camel jockeys treat our women that way?
5. Someone there burned an American flag!
6. Did they even send a card after 9/11?
7. Iran is developing nuclear weapons. This means Iraq was only one letter away from having them too.
8. The Iraqi Navy had secret plans to sail up the Chesapeake Bay, sack towns along the Maryland western shore and march on Washington, setting fire to the capital and forcing President
MadisonBush to flee.9. Remember that time Janet Jackson exposed her breast during the Super Bowl and destroyed the morals of the entire nation because most people in the country had never seen one of those before? It has never been proven that the Iraqis weren’t totally responsible for that.
10. Rumor has it the Iraqi Supreme Court was on the verge of approving gay marriage.
These are just off the top of my head, and I know some of them could use fine-tuning. I need your help. As always, I welcome your suggestions.